Kicking Up Your Heels

In Utah when a storm is coming the wind howls. Last night and this morning it was particularly intense to the point you had to work hard to walk. Because of this I took my dog on a very short walk just to visit our horse friend. This horse is rather quiet, more like dignified. He acts as if he is doing us a favor to come take the carrot from my hand.

This morning was different. The wind had whipped him up as well. He was dashing around his small pasture and kicking up his heals. This set my dog to barking and lunging. I put my dog in a laydown and the horse stopped long enough to eat his carrot and get a pat. Then my dog barked and he turned his back to us with his leg cocked. Little did my dog know he was preparing for a kick. Fortunately I knew, so we went on our way.

This made me think about how I get riled up. You know when you get that attitude of "What! You want a piece of me?" The word ornery comes to mind. Also from the thesaurus: irritable, crabby, cantankerous, infuriated, annoyed, exasperated or grouchy. I think sometimes that's our way of dealing with pain. Anger is often easier to deal with than fear or frustration, disappointment or despair. I recently learned that anger was my go-to emotion. In my childhood home my perception was that negative emotions were not allowed. There was anger or submission. We didn't talk about negative feelings we stuffed them. So I "decided" at a very young age that anger was the only safe negative emotion to use.

Since I uncovered this mistaken belief I've been able to first recognize and then start to deal with the negative emotions I feel. It's still hard work but it's real. If I'm tired or sad or overwhelmed or discouraged I can deal with that emotion. I can back track to what triggered the emotion and handle it appropriately. I can confront and dismiss erroneous thinking. I can grieve for loss or learn from despair. It feels cleaner and healthier. Where I used to feel confusion I'm beginning to have understanding. It's been a long time coming.

A Prayer

I have not written for several days because someone I love is suffering. It is too personal to speak of here but my heart aches for him and for his family.

Over the weekend as I pondered and prayed I was once again led to the website hubblesite.org. This is where I retrieved the photo for this blog.

There are many things that witness to me of God: magestic mountains, the endless ocean, mighty forests and the birth of a child. Now I can add space to that list.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I know scientists have explanations for all that we see. And why shouldn't they? Doesn't God work through scientific means to bring about his purposes? I cannot stand on the beach or view these breathtaking images without knowing the hand that created them.

And how do I know? I know from a lifetime of struggle and heartache, from moments of utter despair when I felt his comfort inexplicably surround me. I know from reading His words. I know from the peace I can feel in my heart. I know from the hundreds of times I have asked for help and received it whether from a the written word, a song, from someone reaching out to me, and from a bit of truth received in a time of need.

Twenty five years ago my four day old son Jeremy died after surgery for a heart problem. As I held off grief because I thought I had to live my testimony of God and a life after death by being stoic and strong. A year after he died I had what they then called a nervous breakdown. I began acting out of character and in a short while became filled with dibilitating anxiety. It became so bad I had to send my three children to stay with their grandparents for a time. It was a terrible year of pain, fear and suffering. It took a year and help from loving people for me to become fully functional again.

As with the Alcoholics Anonymous creed I had to walk hour by hour calling upon God for help. I had my own mantra that I would repeat over and over in my head:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power,

and of love,

and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

For any who may be struggling please know truth is out there. It comes from many sources and will come to you in many ways if you seek it with even an inkling of faith. It may come to you slowly, bit by bit, but as you open yourself you will begin to see it everywhere. I believe God talks to us in the language we understand. So while I am Christian and hold everything up to that light I also find truth in surprising places: TV shows, secular and not secular books and magazines, people of all persuasions and backgrounds.


This past year I have worked through a separation soon to be a divorce. I've wept, pondered, reached out for help from so many places and people, and finally found peace. While I know life will still hold challenges I feel my feet are once again on solid ground. I feel centered and when a new piece of real truth comes to me I feel it as if someone hit a tuning fork that hums with a resonance that I can feel. Heart and mind, feelings and thoughts, God speaks to us.

Amazing Grace

Miracles do happen. Not just miracles that save lives or heal the sick but miracles that let dreams come true. Twelve days ago I started this blog with my new dream. I didn't see any way it could happen. Today I was accepted as a volunteer for the group working to set up a Chapter of Child Help in Utah. Can you believe this? Things like this just don't happen to me. I've had friends talk to me about The Secret. They told me to put things out to the Universe and it will come to you. Well, I don't believe in some genie managing the universe but I do believe in God.

Somehow I have been blessed to get the tools to heal, to begin to value myself, to draw wonderful people to me and now I'm being given the chance to give back. I want to pinch myself. It's so wonderful and exciting.

I had a little tiny miracle this morning. After blogging about horses yesterday I was longing to touch one again. In my neighborhood there is a horse property. My dog and I used to walk down to give him carrots and a pat. Several months ago the horse disappeared. Last night as I swung onto my street I saw that he was back. This morning my dog and I walked down, gave him carrots and a pat. On top of that the mountains looked absolutely mystical. The clouds were wispy over the snow caps as a storm began to roll in. Great big drops started falling from the sky. I laughed for the beauty and sheer joy of the moment.

If you are having a bad day hang in there. It will get better. I'm not saying life will be easy or that change will come quickly. It has taken me years and a great deal of work. But if you ask God he will help you along one step at a time at the pace you are ready to handle. Believe!

Horses

I've had several ideas for marvelous blogs but I've not taken the time to finesse them into perfection. So, for now I'm going to share a poem about a horse given to me by a friend. I've not been a rider of horses. My few attempts were awkward at best. However, I believe they are the most beautiful animals on the planet. I spent hours playing horse games as a child; finding a fence to ride, pretending to be a horse in the field, drawing them for hours on end or saving my pennies for a plastic statue of a horse. For some the horse has been their childhood companion.

Here's to you horse riders, you have my admiration.

Kissing a Horse
Of the two spoiled, barn-sour geldings
we owned that year, it was Red—skittish and prone to explode
even at fourteen years—who'd let me
hold my face to his own: the massive labyrinthine
caverns of the nostrils, the broad plain
up to the head to the eyes. He'd let me stroke
his coarse chin whiskers and take
his soft meaty underlip
in my hands, press my man's carnivorous
kiss to his grass-nipping under half of one, just
so that I could smell
the long way his breath had come from the rain
and the sun, the lungs and the heart,
from a world that meant no harm.

From Pocket Poets volume Poems About Horses by Robert Wrigley

Dark Days

I've not been able to blog the last few days because I've had the blues. We had a couple of days of sunshine then rain/snow/rain for three days. I don't like darkness. I love light, I need light. I fight depression all winter long. I also love colors and the colors tend to disappear in winter. Right now I'm craving green! In California the hills are a luscious green now and my dad has already planted his tomatoes. We can't plant until after Mother's Day. But this morning I awoke to sunshine. I had to take the time to walk with my dog before leaving for work. It was lovely! So, it's on to better days ahead.

Here is another personal philosophy: I hate when Yoda says to Luke Skywalker, "there is no try there is only do!" I don't agree. Getting up and trying time and time again is what I admire. Most people have been knocked down in this life. Many of us over and over again. You only fail when you quit getting up. So, keep trying. Intent is worth a great deal. A man asks Jesus to heal his child. Christ replies that he can heal the child if the man believes. The man replies, "Yeah Lord I believe. Help though my unbelief." Jesus heals the child. So intent or desire, just to want to do the right thing, to want to believe is the first step.

Hope

I'm a bit discouraged today. I've lost one home and I'm about to lose another. I moved in with my daughter after separating from my husband last year. We were lucky enough to sell our home for what it was worth. So we walked away with nothing but we beat forclosure by days. Now, due to temporary disability, my kids are looking at having to leave their home as well.

The other reason I'm discouraged is physical. I've struggled with chronic fatigue for the last couple of years. I'm a doer so this is tough for me. I was a sickly kid where the majority of my entertainment was through books. Thus began my love of reading. Then in my late 20s my husband decided we were going to be pig farmers. Now there's an adventure for a mother of three young children. Especially since my husband worked away from home for days and sometimes weeks on end. This meant I was going to be a pig farmer.

Now here is where hope comes in. This was a very difficult time for us for many reasons but it also gave us some of the greatest gifts. First, it taught me and the kids how to work. And believe me we worked hard. That training gave my sons the strength to overcome the odds. They reached out of poverty to put themselves through college, gain success in their fields and become good husbands and fathers. I believe the lessons from those days helped us develop compassion and certainly problem solving skills. You have to think out of the box when you are running a farm on a shoe string.

So now I've come to circumstances where I can't just dig in and push through barriers. My body just won't let me. In my first marriage we moved often (17 times in 7 years). So I became very good at moving. In the 90's I had to call my two oldest sons to help me move. I remember crying on the phone and telling one son, "I can't lift the washing machine anymore." He replied, "Mom you should never have had to."

There's my second reason for hope. How can I wallow in misery when I have such wonderful children? I'm a spiritual person. I believe in angels and therefore demons as well. The dark side would have us be discouraged, overwhelmed and confused. While God would have us call upon him for strength. I know if we ask for help He will either give us the path to clear our problems or the strength to endure them. Truth is just a prayer away. Wherever we are is a good enough place to begin. So while I wonder what will become of me I know whatever comes will be for my good if I lean on the Lord. So there is my third and strongest reason for hope! Man, even our closest friends and family members are fallible but God is constant. I believe we have angels watching over us if we are trying our best to do the right.

Good People

There are two reasons why I started this blog. First, to have a place to put down my thoughts (journaling). Second, to help inspire others with stories, thoughts and impressions I've received. I've been on a journey for the last several months to heal and to learn about me.

My entire life I've been under the "leadership" of a man. First my dad, then at 19 I was married to my first husband for 24 years, then shortly after the divorce I was married again. This time it lasted 11 years. If you have seen the movie Runaway Bride you will understand a bit of how I felt. I didn't know what kind of eggs I liked. But now I'm relearning what makes me happy. For years on end I didn't think I would ever be really happy again. I've done some emotional healing work and rediscovered joy. That doesn't mean every day is perfect. It does mean I have inner peace and that I like myself again. I used to think I would only be happy in the next life (heaven). But now I'm finding this life can be great as well. All this will come out in pieces as I continue to build this blog and tell my story.

Today I want to share a thought about good people. Last night I watched two shows with my daughter. One was Oprah Winfrey. On this show she had four young men from an MTV show called The Buried Life. I'd never heard of it before. The show is about 4 young men who decide to LIVE life. So they created a list of 100 things they want to do before they die, they bought a bus and started to tour the country. This could be a story about selfishness but not with these boys. On their journey they take every opportunity to encourage and help others. One time they got jobs to raise $300 so a young woman could visit the grave of her mother in another state. They helped another young mother overcome her fear of heights. They did this with encouragement and with their arms circling her for strength. The people they reach out to are ordinary people of all ages, races and sizes.

The second show was about a man from England who flew to America to help change the way school children eat (Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution). He cares about the health of our children. Surprisingly he ran into obstacles all along the way. Grumpy cooks, rule crazy administrators and even a negative radio host. But he ends up one by one winning people over with the help of the young people in the town. He reaches out to everyone all ages, races and sizes.

These stories deeply touched me. It is easy to get caught up in the media illusion and believe that people only care about the beautiful people or cut themselves off with their selfish desires. I've always been fascinated by the battle between good and evil. Sometimes it can feel like evil is winning. But at every natural disaster or even man made attack you will hear multiple stories of heroism. Over and over people put themselves out and even risk their lives to reach out to help those in need. I believe in people!

A New Dream

I just found what I want to do when I grow up. I was home sick from exhaustion yesterday and slept 'til 10:45am. I then lay in bed watching Lifetime Movie Network. Most movies were light & fluffy but one was a true story about a couple of actresses that started a program and home for abused children (http://www.childhelp.org/). The home was a small farm where the kids could participate in art therapy, work in a garden or care for animals. I would love to be involved in something like that. It appears Colorado has the closest chapter and the farms are in California and Virginia. So this dream will not come to fruition in the near future.

Why does this appeal to me? For many reasons. I long to be doing something that makes a real difference. I tried working with abused children in the past but was unable to handle the horrifying stories of their lives. This seems different because you are giving them healthy outlets for their pain, fear and frustrations. I'm good with animals. I've worked with dog rescue and ran a small pig farm with goats, rabbits, calves, chickens, ducks and fish. As a child I saved all my quarters until I had $5 to rent a horse for a one hour ride.

I love art and I've done my share of dabbling in the garden. Animals, art and the earth have been essential to my healing and health. So many people have helped me along the way. I would love to pay it forward and assist children or women in their own healing. I'm not a therapist or an expert in much of anything but I've learned tolerance and love for people of all kinds. I've learned through my own struggles for self improvement to be patient with others imperfections. My philosophy is that we are all broken in one way or another. So we need to be kind and work to edify each other. I have a gift for empathy and an ability to read people's emotions. Would that be enough? Is there a need for a 55 year old woman with empty pockets but with a big heart?