Polar Bear Plunge!

This is one of the crazier things I've done. Saturday January 28 I went to a polar bear plunge. I believe it was 26 degrees at the time. you can see the snowon the ground. the shiny smooth water you can see in the distance is ice on the water. We were near Jordanelle Reservoir. There were 22 people from a local thrill seekers club. After 8 of us took the plunge a ranger came by and said we had to stop or someone would go to jail and pay a hefty fine. She went so far as to tell us that she was going to call everyone she could think of to tell them we might try to plunge. The group was not willing to give up so they talked about where they could go. They ended up at the Provo River. My ride was cold and hungry so we headed home.

Before I headed to the water I told my son,"If I die remember I died the way I wanted to. Living life not sitting in a chair!" My friends and my kids seem proud of me. :)

The Silly Situations I Get Myself In!

I love the country and I love the water. I've spent many happy hours in the water. My kids and I used to tube down creeks and rivers in California.

From 2001 - 2009 I lived in Salem Utah. One of my favorite things to do there was to walk with my dogs along this canal up in the foothill. I have two funny stories from this time.

One summer day my daughter, son-in-law and I along with our dogs decided to take our intertubes down the canal. I had a slightly crazy yellow labrador at the time. When she saw me on the inner tube she was in a panic because she thought I was going to drown. In her attempt to "save me" she was frantically clawing at me with her paws. It caused me to panic because of pain and the inability to get away from her. My daughter noticed my predicament and yelled to her husband, "Help my mom!" He looked at me slightly puzzled and my daughter yelled, "Help her!" He calmly said to me, "stand up." I was only in three feet of water. We all had a good laugh.

The next story happened on a very hot summer day. I was walking along the canal alone with my sweet Saint Rosy. She was having fun jumping in and out of the water (I taught her how to swim when she was a young dog). I decided I wanted to cool off myself. So I jumped in too. After I had floated with the current for a few minutes and was nicely cooled off I decided it was time to get out. Oops! I had not thought about that. The sides of the canal were slick with mud. I just couldn't get myself out!

I was not in a panic this time. I knew I was safe. But I was on a rarely travels dirt road so I would have to rely on myself to get out. After some struggle I thought, "well, my dog can pull me out." She was big and strong and would be able to give me the help I needed to get up the side of the canal. Unfortunately she thought I was playing a game and she knocked me back in the canal. Finally I just pulled myself up the shore inch by inch. By the time I got out I was literally covered with thick mud from head to toe. I had a grand laugh about the situation and knew I would enjoy telling the story in the years to come. :)

I'm Grateful for Light

I love light! I love the light of the sun and the light of truth. I love the light of the spirit and the light of the scriptures. I believe there is the light of the sun and the light of the Son. The Son of god gives us truth which is also sometimes referred to as light.

I have a hard time in the winter when there is so little light. There are short days and days of overcast. One of the things I appreciate about the weather in Utah is that after a storm the sky clears and you can see the sun.

Helpful People

Just before leaving the office a couple of us realized it would be a co-worker's birthday tomorrow. We could not find the birthday box so we had to get creative.

We work at a paper crafting company so we made some decorations with some paper, we found a couple of smalls rolls of crepe paper and a few balloons. We hung a happy birthday banner. The outcome was a simple but cute office cubicle.

The point of this was we wanted our co-worker to know we were aware of her birthday and that we cared about her. We thought to ourselves, "How would it feel to know that everyone gets their cubicles decorated for their birthdays but somehow they didn't remember you?

We are just ordinary people doing ordinary things but I think they matter. I believe in edifying people in little ways. Most of us don't have the money, skills or influence to affect thousands of people but if we each lift someone else everyday I believe it has far reaching outcomes. I'm grateful to be working with real people that really care about one another.

I'm Grateful for Water!

This weekend I visited my daughter and her husband at their home. They live in a beautiful place with expansive lawns and a creek on the edge of the country. Deer come down from the hills in the evening.

My dog loves to run on their place. I took him for a walk and was taken by the creek. The water was frozen on the rocks but the water still ran. It made me realize how many forms water can take. There was snow, ice and crystals. It was lovely and I had to watch it for some time.

I've always loved water. I love to watch the ocean wash onto the shore, to see water rush on the river and the quiet and solitude of a mountain lake.

I also love to play in the water. Swimming has always been a joy. I used to tube on creeks with my kids. I like kiyaking and rowing a canoe. I love riding the waves of the ocean with their up and down swells. I find water to be very soothing. I guess being born a Pisces was appropriate. :)

It's Time for a Little Gratitude

As you may be able to tell from my last few posts I've got a serious case of the winter blues. Therefore I've decided it's time for a little gratitude. My next few blogs will be about things I'm grateful for. Today I'm going to start with a list:

* I'm grateful for Jesus Christ my Savior and Redeemer

* I'm grateful for my family, particularly for my wonderful children and grandchildren

* I'm grateful for the animals, particularly birds, and dogs of all shapes and sizes. I believe animals teach us, heal us and love us unconditionally.

* I'm grateful for the earth and the creations upon it particularly trees, grass and the ocean.

* I'm grateful for humanity. I feel the media focuses on the negative, disturbing and evil in the world. It does exist. But in equal measure is the good. I believe most people want to do the right thing and given the opportunity can show incredible courage, empathy and the ability to lift one another.

* I'm grateful for honest work, both the opportunity to work and the ability to appreciate the work of others.

* I'm grateful for art and music. These can touch my soul when I am hard hearted, hurt or empty.

* I'm grateful for Truth and Light. Without these my soul withers.

* I'm grateful for Life. Even though it has been terribly difficult at times I've learned and grown so much.

Pride and Discouragement

My daughter wrote this talk and delivered it in her church.

We were asked to base our remarks on Elder Uchtdorf's, October (2011) General Conference talk titled: You Matter to Him. Elder Uchtdorf states in his talk that :"The great deceiver knows that one of his most effective tools in leading the children of God astray is to appeal to the extremes of the paradox of man.” The extremes he’s speaking of are pride and discouragement.
Pride [Beware of Pride - President Ezra Taft Benson] - "...The central feature of pride is enmity—... or a state of opposition... The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures…. The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. ...Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”

Discouragement[Elder Uchtfdorf] - "Another way Satan deceives is through discouragement. He attempts to focus our sight on our own insignificance until we begin to doubt that we have much worth. He tells us that we are too small for anyone to take notice, that we are forgotten—especially by God." SymptomsSometimes when we hear the same concepts over and over it’s difficult to personalize them or know how to integrate them into our lives, so I would like to propose a few considerations in an attempt to personalize the topic.

When you are struggling with pride or suffering from discouragement, it is not easy to immediately change, in fact it may feel impossible. Personally, I believe these two behaviors are symptomatic of deeper issues, and it’s easier to change our behavior when we trace it to its origin. It’s kind of like having an infection and one of the symptoms is a cough. While you still need to address the cough, you also need to treat the underlying infection to truly heal.
Pride is a symptom. It comes from a fear of being wrong or of being less than someone else. We use pride to establish a false sense of worth. We cling to this false self worth because in our core we actually feel less than those around us.

Discouragement is also a symptom. It comes from the pain and fear of not knowing if we have done enough, or, more aptly, not knowing that we are enough.
So, to simplify, the two behaviors are really coping behaviors for when we feel inadequate. We all have participated in both - though we usually gravitate toward one or the other extreme. But why? Why is everyone struggling with deep feelings of inadequacy? What is the underlying cause of infection, so to speak?

I believe the answer is at least three-fold:
Initially, because we came to earth with a veil across our minds, we wrongly believed the things we experienced here accurately reflected who we were. So, if the world told us that we were not enough, or we weren’t doing it right, we believed it.

Additionally, because we believed these messages, we adapted by developing coping behaviors, such as pride or discouragement. What else were we going to do?

Lastly, and the most importantly, we felt separated from God. I don’t think our minds can comprehend the immense pain it must have caused us to leave the safe, loving and light-filled existence in the presence of our Heavenly Parents. Further, our understanding was limited (because of the veil over our minds), and over the years of separation, we have been buffeted by the whisperings of the adversary who tells us that God doesn’t really love us. To some degree, we believed this.

From here we fully employ our extremes of nature, or our coping behaviors, and begin to increase our separateness from God through our false beliefs and sin.

So, what to do? In order to heal these two vices of character, we need to first repent, and second come unto Him to be healed. Repentance requires honesty with ourselves and with God.
RepentanceIn order to more effectively repent we need to acknowledge that our behavior is based on a deeper motive and a deeper pain. Seek to understand the reason you are in pride or discouragement – such as anger, doubt, or fear - and offer that reason as a sacrifice to God, as well as your symptomatic behavior. If you don’t know, pray and seek to understand.
Ether 12:27 - And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

In a 1991 General Conference talk by Neal A. Maxwell, he describes the nature of repentance thusly:
"Repentance requires both turning away from evil and turning to God. … In this rigorous process, so much clearly depends upon meekness. Pride keeps repentance from even starting or continuing… Or we may be too filled with self-pity, that sludge in which sin sprouts so easily, or too invested in self-reinforcing behavior to turn away from it. … There can be no repentance without recognition of wrong. … The first rays of recognition help us begin to see “things as they really are” including distinguishing between the motes and beams… Recognition is a sacred moment… “

Attempting to honestly analyze our own motives can be a difficult process at first. But with honesty, humility and active repentance, God will help us become better at it. The reward for such an undertaking is that we will come to know the God who is refining us. We could learn from the father of King Lamoni:
Alma 22:18 - … if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee, … that I may be raised from the dead, and be saved at the last day. If you struggle with self honesty, honesty with God, or even the desire to turn away from sin and coping behaviors, pray for increased faith in His love and His plan.

Neal A. Maxwell further counsels:
"True repentance also includes confession. …One with a broken heart will not hold back. As confession lets the sickening sin empty out, then the Spirit which withdrew returns to renew. …Support from others is especially crucial now. Hence, we are directed to be part of a caring community in which we all “lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.” (D&C 81:5.) Did not the citizens of the unequaled City of Enoch so improve together “in process of time?” (Moses 7:21; Moses 7:68–69.)… All sins are to be confessed to the Lord, some to a Church official, some to others, and some to all of these."

Why is it so important to confess our sins? I believe it is because Satan works best in the darkness of secrecy. He desires to keep your struggles hidden from the light of day. He has more power over you this way – to influence and deceive you. Confession also keeps us humble.
I want to advocate for sincere confession for just a moment. While serious sins should be resolved with the Bishop, other lesser sins (such as pride) could be abdicated if we were brave enough to confess them to someone we trust. This helps to release Satan’s hold on your secret struggling(s). It is the deceptively small things that build bigger blocks for us to stumble over. It is the small things we consistently do - contrary to Christ's teachings - that become patterns and prove problematic to remove on our own.

We seem to have a stigma associated with confession. For the prideful, confession is difficult because we are afraid to be seen as weak, wrong, or less than. We fear that acknowledgment will somehow take away from our already precarious self-worth, or that verbalizing the problem will somehow make it more real. Conversely, the discouraged may use confession as a form of emotional manipulation – seeking to elicit an emotional reaction from the person being told. Doing this denies responsibility and ownership of the problem. It is based on the desire to have others solve our problems, or at least share in them. We do this because it feels too large or overwhelming to carry on our own.

There is however a healthier and largely unexplored middle ground for confession. We can be honest with our struggles and be self-contained in the sharing of them. (Note: Self-contained is not the same thing as un-emotional. Emotions are a gift from God.) Can you imagine the freedom of being honest about your struggles without fear of judgment?

A word of caution though – seek confidants carefully. You neither want to confess to people who in their misguided love for you, or in their love for discord, seek to justify and enable your behavior (i.e. “you’re right in acting thus, and they are all wrong…”); nor do you want to confess to people who struggle with self-righteousness. These two approaches will only compound your problem and keep you stuck exactly where you were. Seek people who genuinely love you, can maintain a sacred trust for your vulnerability, and who can support your desire to improve; people who let you speak and trust in your ability to provide most of your own solutions. If you don’t feel you have anyone, a well run support group is an excellent resource for this.

In the same talk referenced above, Neal A. Maxwell states: "Genuine support and love from others—not isolation—are needed to sustain this painful forsaking and turning!"

Come unto Him and be HealedThe final step in the repentance process is to forgive ourselves. If we’ve been honest about our motives this will be a bit easier. However, it often proves to be the hardest step. If it’s a struggle for you to forgive and love yourself, you usually cannot ‘will’ yourself to be different. Whether your paradox is in pride or discouragement the challenge is in believing the fullness of God’s love for you. Fortunately, there is no need to attempt this alone. Let the Master teach you how to love and forgive as he knows how to do both perfectly. Come unto Him, holding nothing back.

We must not give up, but, instead, reach out to God’s awaiting arms of mercy, which are outstretched “all the day long.” Please remember that it is us who separates ourselves from God. When some disciples left him, Jesus asked the Twelve, “Will ye also go away?” Peter answered: “Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.” (John 6:67–68.)
Don’t allow your weaknesses or fears to alienate you from the Being who loves you the very most. James 4:10 reads: “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he shall lift you up.” Remember that you are not humbling yourself before an enemy, but instead a being of infinite love, and you matter to Him!

In closing I’d like to end with a quote from a S. Michael Wilcox talk on the Beatitudes:
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.” (Rev. 21:4.) Jesus said, “I am … the beginning and the ending.” (Rev. 1:8.) He is the end of sorrow and the end of guilt. He is the end of pain, death, suffering, sin, and tears. He is the beginning of joy, life, and peace. He is the beginning of healing, truth, and fulfillment. He is the end of mourning, the beginning of comfort."
The only source of true happiness in this life or the next comes from laying down our fears about God and seeking to understand Him better. You will only know your own value through direct revelation from heaven. I testify that if you “incline your hearts” to Him, as Elder Uchtdorf invites, He will comfort and teach you the worth of your soul.

Suffering, what's the point?

To carry on from my last post. I was able to speak with my daughter about my thought i.e. I hate when living creatures suffer and I hate to see living creatures suffer. Especially people and animals I love.

I told my daughter that I felt selfish for this meaning that it felt like I was worried about my discomfort in the face of others suffereing. She said it's because I haven't dealt with my own suffering. I've had some suffering in my life. I know so many people that have had harder lives and I know many that have had easier lives.

Don't get me wrong. I also have been blessed beyond measure and most often live with a grateful heart. Everyone has problems that sometimes seem impossible to bear. But I have to admit this past time has been more than I thought I could bear.

So, how do we deal with our suffering? My daughter and I believe there was a life before this and there will be a life after. She reminded me that I knew and perhaps even chose the life I'm leading now. That may sound strange but we believe life is about learning, experiencing and growing. She said maybe you need to think about what you are learning from this suffering.

I pondered this a walk in the hills with my dog. It was a beautiful day with snow on the ground and an icy creek passing by. I talk to God, my Heavenly Father, as a real being. I asked him, "What am I supposed to learn from this insight you have shown me about myself. I know you don't want me to feel shame." Then it came to me, my suffering has given me empathy, tolerance, experience and increased love for my fellow man.

But I want to be done with it now, I thought. Once again I had another impression. I am better than most at looking at my weaknesses with open eyes and honesty. That has made me a little intolerant of those that refuse to take responsibility for their own behavior. By trying to avoid pain and suffering my entire life I realized something. This self revelation has been almost unbearable to me. For others their lack of personal truth may be because it is this painful for them to face their faults and shortcomings.

In The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie the January 7 reading states, "Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings my trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless." How true that is. We all have emotional baggage. Later in this same entry she states, "Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with life."

Perhaps this last couple of years has not been filled with more suffering than before but rather I've allowed myself to feel things more than before. It's been cleansing. So, once again I choose to learn, to allow myself to make mistakes and to go on with life.

Self Reflection

This last year or two has been about getting real. I've always been a realist that leans towards optimism. I feel you can't solve problems if you don't face them with honesty. Truth is something I search for and try to speak. But this last year I've seen some personal issues I was in denial about.

With two failed marriages I realized some time ago I was disfunctional in marriage relationships. My therapist told me I needed to stay away from men because my picker was broken. So true. But I've been working on other relationships with my dad, my wonderful children and my friends. There are so many nurturing relationships to be had. There are so many good people in this world. In every story of tragedy there is a story of courage, selflessness or heroism.

So, being real doesn't mean being negative. But sometimes it can be painful. In the last few days I've been pondering something about myself I don't like. I believe God shows us things when are ready to face them. Also, if we are unwilling to face or change something I believe it comes around again.

As you may have read in a previous blog my sweet Saint Bernard Rosy died a little over a year ago. in 1983 my baby Jeremy died from a heart defect when he was 4 days old. Now my needy and rather dysfunctional Gold Retriever George has been facing some serious health problems. What do these things all have in common? I hate to see living creatures suffer.

Here is where the pain comes in. I don't like to see creatures suffer for two reasons. 1. I don't want them to hurt. I've suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually in my life. So reason number one is empathy. I know how it feels, I don't want to see you suffer as I have. 2. I don't want to have to see you suffer. I don't want to deal with it. It's too painful for me. That feels so selfish.

When my son died I didn't want to wait at the hospital during his surgery. I planned to be there near the end. Should I have spent more time with him? I didn't want to watch him struggling for breath. When the surgeons asked if they should attempt surgery that had a low success rate that he would die without I asked, "will he have a life of suffering?" I chose the surgery when they reassured me the surgeries and recovery would be painful but he would also have happiness between times.

When I had Rosy put to sleep as she slipped out of my arms to the floor I howled no because the reality of losing her was suddenly so real. But also I worried that I had let her go too soon. Yes, I didn't want her to suffer. I didn't want her to be alone with her pain while I had to be at work. I didn't want her to struggle to walk or breath. But there was again that question, am I letting her go to soon so I don't have to FEEL.

This issue has come up in the last few days as I have struggled to know what to do with George. I've pondered. Does he want to live longer even though it will mean some pain and suffering? Part of the reason I struggle with this is because I've had a glimpse of the other side. I know how good the next life is. I want my loved ones to be there for their happiness and comfort. Yet, didn't we come here on earth for a reason. Should I not allow those I care about to stay here at long as they need to be even if it means discomfort for them and for me?

I don't have the answer yet.