Hats for Cancer

So I'm headed to my 3rd chemo session tomorrow. I lost all my hair about a week ago. I don't like the scarfs or knit hats many women wear so I invested in some hats! Here are three of them. 

It's not been easy but I'm getting through it. I should finish with chemo in December just in time for the new year. Woo Hoo!

Chemo

Remember that seen in Goonies when the chubby guy is describing how he made people throw up in the theater? That's how I'm feeling today. I had my first chemo treatments 3 days ago and I feel yucky.

I only felt really sick once. I had some watermelon. Ohhh, so sick. Now I'm sticking to toast, crackers and water. Scared to try anything else.

I'm just exhausted. Slept for two days so far and I could sleep some more. Plus I just can get comfortable. I am only comfortable laying down. Blah.

So It's Going to Be Chemo

Devastated. That's how I'm feeling. The surgeon told me today that because of a certain marker I should have chemotherapy.  I was shocked but then the blessing I got made more sense. "You have a trial coming..."

The ironic thing is I said I would never do chemo. Ha, when am I going to learn not to say never? But now I have these incredible grand kids to live for. I want to watch them grow up.  

So, once again in my life. I eat my words. I'll go through chemo for them. 

Politics - A Letter to my Republican Leaders

I just sent this letter

To my Republican Leaders,

I hope you listened to President Obama speech at the DNC. I mean really listen, not just listen for ways to find weakness. That was an amazing speech. 

Let me back up. I used to be a dyed in the wool Republican. I voted a straight ticket. I was conservative, loyal and involved. 

You are forcing me to vote for Hillary Clinton for president. I won't vote for a racist, immoral, fear monger. But do you know why people are turning to that idiot Trump? Because like me they are sick and tired of business as usual. We are tired of the obstructionism, the gerrymandering, the power mongering. Stop it!

We need to collaborate, compromise and communicate. We have to have dialog and work together. 

I have been disappointed in President Obama but I blame that partially on you the Republican leaders. Get off your high horse and work together with the other side of the aisle. Stop worrying so much on how to stay in power. Approve the Supreme Court Justice that has been offered by the president. Show me that you can be team players. Until then I will vote a against every single Republican. 

Pamela Estes

Salt Lake City, UT

What's worse?

What's worse than being told you have breast cancer.

• Being told by your husband that he doesn't love you anymore He is going to take the boys and you can have the girl.
• Being told by your OB-Gyn that he will not do your tubal ligation because there is something wrong with your baby and if he dies you might change your mind.
• Having your father refuse to speak to you because you are calling for money again because your husband won't stop spending money. 
• Having a nervous breakdown and being unable to work or take care of my kids. 
• Finding out  your husband has a girlfriend. 

Life is rough for all of us. Let's be nice to each other. 

Reaching Heaven

I reached out to heaven this weekend. I asked for a Priesthood blessing and received one from a friends husband and son.

Once his hands were placed on my head I felt peace and the love of the savior. Then I was told I was going to face a trial. This was mentioned more than once. This is a little disconcerting but not a big surprise as he blessed me with courage for what was ahead.  Then I was blessed with strength to fulfill calling my calling. I was admonished to live the word of wisdom to the letter, to find a dietitian and to do what the doctors tell me. That I would have the endurance to finish my mission here. I was also told to bear testimony through the trial. Maybe that is one reason I have felt prompted to start blogging again.

The irony of this disease is that I used to want to die.  Life was so hard for me. I've had two unhappy marriages and struggled with severe depression and anxiety. Now want to live. I finally accepted the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life. I finally realized that God loves and accepts me as I am. Unconditional love allowed me to love myself and in turn I love others.

In talking to my daughter about why this trial, not in bitterness just philosophically wondering. We talked about how suffering gives us empathy for others. I said, I think I'm pretty good at the empathy thing. Do I really need more? She then said, maybe you're supposed to get closer to the savior. Wow. Think about that for a while. Here is my favorite scripture. It ties into this thought:

Alma 7:11-13 And he shall go forth suffering pains and affliction and temptations of every kind: and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

And he will take upon him death which bind his people; infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

Roller Coaster Emotions

The last week was a roller coaster of emotions. I do well in an emergency situation when there is a check list of things to do. Get people safe, talk to the doctor, bring towels, give blood, etc. I'm in the limbo stage of this Breast Cancer thing (it's interesting that I capitalized the term. It's certainly big to me). I can't do anything until I meet with the surgeon on August 1.

Because of the wait I got to deal with loneliness, frustration, anxiety and depression. My mouth had no filter. That's always bad. I had to apologize to a couple of friends.

I'm also feeling overwhelmed because I can't seem to keep up with what I need to do. My yard is a disaster and my house is just dirty. I used to be the workhorse. Now due to the several health issues I'm dealing with I'm just so tired all the time. Aargh!

The Alien

I feel like I have an alien in my boob. I know that is ridiculous but in actuality it is trying to kill me.

The Big C

So, it looks like I'm joining the ranks. I have Breast Cancer.

Maybe this will be my next tattoo (jk)

But I do get tired of being strong

Big Dog

Enough of the sad news. It's time for some happy news

This is my Saint Bernard Annabelle. I got her from the Las Vegas Saint Bernard Rescue almost a year ago.  Saints are my heart dog. They are like my soulmates. 

Annabelle was five years old when I got her. she had been raised by one family who moved and for some reason didn't take her with them. 

Breast Cancer?

As I said in my last post I have a lump. Fortunately they move a lot faster to take care of these things than they used to. I've heard horror stories of women waiting weeks between tests to find out what is going on. I had my mammogram last week. Today I had an ultrasound and biopsy. 

I was shocked when I saw the x-ray. It looked similar to this one. 

The shock was seeing the big white spot. The doctor said he could not say if it was benign or cancer. That's why we did the biopsy. Another positive is that I will learn the results in two days. 

The doctor also said he would recommend I have a lumpectomy even if this was benign. 

Now that the scientific stuff is out of the way I can go to the human emotion. 

When I found the lump I was concerned not really scared. I'm still feeling that way. I'm mostly scared of chemo. I don't want to feel horrible for weeks on end. 

As for facing death...I don't believe I'm going to die. It looks like we found it early. The doctor said he doesn't think it has spread. 

The irony is that for years in my more severe times of depression I wanted to die. I wanted to move onto the next world. But now I want to live. I want to be here for another 20 years. Life can still be painful but I have so much to live for. I love my life, my kids and my grandkids. I want to watch them grow. I want to be there for them if I can. 

That's it for today. I think that enough.

Sad

I'm sad tonight for two good reasons

This week there were two black men shot by policemen for no good reason. One was in his car reaching for his license which the policeman had asked him for. His girlfriend was sitting next to him and her little girl was in the back seat. The woman couldn't even comfort her boyfriend as he lay dying because the cop kept his gun out and made her keep her hands up. The man is dead. You know what they were pulled over for? A broken tail light.

The second was held a black man being held on the ground by two cops who decided to shoot him while he was down.

Why do they have to pull their guns so fast?

The second reason I'm sad is because I have a large lump in my breast. I forgot my appointment last year and it took me forever to call to get another appointment. I kept pushing the reminder forward.

I found the lump the day they called me to tell me I needed to come in for a diagnostic exam. Good times. I cried, then I made terrible jokes. Like, well I have really wanted to lose weight and I would automatically lose 10 pounds if I got both boobs cut off. Well, that's just how I cope.

Now the next morning there is yet another reason to be sad.

Last night at a peaceful rally in Dallas Texas snipers shot 12 policemen and 2 bystanders. Five policeman died. 

Hands and a Tattoo with meaning

My son and I both got a semicolon tattoo yesterday. It is my first tattoo ever. This one is very meaningful to me. Here's why:

Project Semicolon was born from a social media movement in 2013. They describe themselves as a "movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction, and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love, and inspire."

This represents that your story is not over

So many people feel that no one understands. I want people to know if they see this on my wrist I will listen and direct them to help. I'm grateful that people were there for me when I needed it.

I cropped this picture for Facebook to just show the tattoos. I don't think my hands are very nice to look at. I always wanted pretty feminine hands with log fingers. But that just isn't reality. I have hands that were made to work. And work I did for years.

These hands have raised four children, colored Easter eggs with a grandson, delivered baby pigs, milked goats, typed thousands of e-mails and done innumerable dishes.  Ha ha!

I realized a few years ago that my hands looked exactly like my mothers. I don't mean similar I mean exactly. I don't know exactly how I feel about that but that's a post for a different day.

Feelings

This is a picture of me with Jeremy the day before he died. June 7, 1983. He was 3 days old. The following day he would have open heart surgery. It had a 15% chance of success but he would die without it.

I could write a book about all that happened and my feelings about it. But that's not my intention today. 

In case you have forgotten this blog is about real feelings. 

I usually try to stay in the moment. I have dogs to remind me to do that. I've learned that anxiety comes from regretting the past and from fearing the future. I've had what they used to call two nervous breakdowns. So staying in balance is pretty important to me. I've been in deep dysfunctional despair and terrible, uncontrollable fear. (These extremes are in the past. 1984 and 2010).

I've been pretty level for the past couple of years except when a life change happens that would give anyone a hard time. Like when Amanda, BJ and the babies moved to Idaho. That was hard. 

Well, my son's fiancee just broke up with him. I don't know if that is what set me off this time but I've been fighting some anxiety. I've learned some coping skills so it doesn't get as bad as it used to. But it does make life challenging sometimes.

I have a hard time concentrating, sitting still and keeping on task. my body feels like it's shaking from the inside out. Like every molecule is vibrating.

I recognize when feelings are coming up and I can work through them but it's really hard when I'm alone. 

Happy Mother's Day

My daughter wrote this sweet post on Facebook for Mother's Day:

Happy Mother's Day to the mom who hated it because she always saw herself as falling short. Pam Estes, I get it now. Even though you've made your peace with the day now because you have the benefit of experience and time and feeling like your kids turned out well, I wanted to remind you of a few things:
• My mom loves reading and learning about new things, she instilled in her children a desire to learn and expand our horizons
• My mom would give me her new high heels and take the old ones because new shoes were rare and meant so much to me
• My mom worked very hard all the time, but she made sure we had time to play
• My mom makes people feel seen and heard, from her co-workers to people who are homeless -- it's a gift
• My mom is an amazing teacher
• My mom gets down in the dirt or out in the water with my son without a second thought.
• My mom loves good words and a good word challenge now and again
• My mom is a bit competitive at games (woe betide any upstart young missionaries who cross her pregnant self in a volleyball match, or unsuspecting Spoons players).
• My mom loves me despite me not wanting to "brush my hair" "put on socks" "stop burning the candle at both ends" or "be still," and she misses me when I'm gone (especially half way around the world on Mother's Day).
I love you mom.
Thank you for teaching me to turn to Christ and rely on His grace to make up for what I lack.