Sufficient to the Day is the Evil Thereof

The heading to this post is a scripture that I find very relevant. For years I was such a worrier. I worried about everything. Through years of therapy, of life and learning I have gained this tool. When you are worrying about something in the future. Stop. What is happening right now? Deal with this moment. 

Most of the things we worry about never happen. Plus, I believe God will give us what we need in the moment we need it. If I'm going to get cancer in 10 years, I don't need strength to cope with that now. 

I've worked hard to learn to live in the moment. It's something I have to remind myself to do constantly. I've learned that many of the unhealthy things I do or don't do are trauma responses. Years of being put down and used have made me hyper vigilant. I'm grateful for the people and the spirit that has helped me to cope with life. 

Deja Vu

I stepped into the past today. It was a combination of finding a Boomer radio station that played everything from my teen years. To driving through a neighborhood that reminded me of what I imagined my life would be. In fact, Fantine's song ran through my mind. (From Les Miserable). 

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

The difference is I don't feel I'm living in hell but my life is a far cry from what I dream. I was such a hippie type of person. I pictured living in Petaluma California, a sleepy town in an old house with a wooden front porch which was painted light blue. I know specific. I would be listening to James Taylor, Carol King and Carly Simon. I wanted a garden, I would shop at health food stores. Of course, I would have a dog. I would read, go for long walks, finish college and not have a TV. Oh and last of all, I would have a loving husband. 

Instead I'm living in a tiny house, actually a converted milk barn. I've been divorced twice and my last dog, Rocket (above) died last summer. He saw me through breast cancer. I worked for Stampin' Up! for 21 years and lived in the city. 

It was weird to feel like I was back as a teenager. I'm 70 years old and i felt like I was back at 17. I'm sure my grandkids can't imagine me as a young person. 

Montana Life

 

September 12, 2022

Well, my life plans turned up on their heads during Covid. I had planned to work at Stampin' Up! until I dropped...maybe until I was 70 or so. But my job outgrew me and I just wasn't up to learning a new job or going back to the call center. Plus my house and especially my yard was more than I could handle. On top of that I felt the need to move close to my daughter's family with my two youngest grandchildren. So, I retired at 66 and stayed with my son and his fiancé for 1-1/2 years and now I'm in Montana. 

My son-in-law bought part of his family farm in the Mission Valley in Montana. These are the mountains I get to see every morning. We have a calf, 2 dogs, multiple cats, chickens, sheep and one lose rabbit from previous owner. In the last week we have also been visited by a bear, a mountain lion with her cub..,oh my! 

There is always  something to do. I'm so tired of sorting stuff. I moved from a two bedroom house to a tiny house. There are boxes and boxes to sort. I have probably gotten two thirds of the way through. 

Another big thing is working on relationships. I am again immersed in people relationships. I thought I was pretty saintly when I lived alone for 10 years. Haha. Oh was I wrong. Well, I believe we are here to work on ourselves and learn to love our fellowman. I have come a far way but know I still have quite a ways to go. 

Growing

 

I believe people that really know me know that I believe in Christ. I have always tried to do what I felt was right, what the spirit was prompting me to do. I have not always gotten it right. I've occasionally been misled, acted impulsively, had a hard heart or a lazy attitude. At times I have disappointed family and friends.

God says we need to come to him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I feel so now. It is painful to face our errors, mistakes, character flaws and weaknesses. But we cannot progress unless we humble ourselves and learn to do God's will. In helping me today my daughter said that when I fall I always get up. That was a wonderful compliment as I feel I have fallen so many times. 

One must be careful not to allow despair when one faces their flaws. That would be Satan's plan. Christ wants us to suffer only to where it causes us to repent. 

Today I learned that I still worry about what others think of me. I've let go of so much of that but there still seem to be spaces that it seeps in. I am grateful for a loving God that gently teaches me what I need to do to be a better person. It is difficult but it is the only way I can live. I have been taught again today that I need to lose myself (in other words stop looking in at my insecurities) and look out to see how I can help others.

Christ took on not only our sins, but all our pains, temptations and illnesses. He is the only one that can truly judge us. He is the only one that fully understands if we are doing the best we can. 

Hats for Cancer

So I'm headed to my 3rd chemo session tomorrow. I lost all my hair about a week ago. I don't like the scarfs or knit hats many women wear so I invested in some hats! Here are three of them. 

It's not been easy but I'm getting through it. I should finish with chemo in December just in time for the new year. Woo Hoo!

Chemo

Remember that seen in Goonies when the chubby guy is describing how he made people throw up in the theater? That's how I'm feeling today. I had my first chemo treatments 3 days ago and I feel yucky.

I only felt really sick once. I had some watermelon. Ohhh, so sick. Now I'm sticking to toast, crackers and water. Scared to try anything else.

I'm just exhausted. Slept for two days so far and I could sleep some more. Plus I just can get comfortable. I am only comfortable laying down. Blah.

So It's Going to Be Chemo

Devastated. That's how I'm feeling. The surgeon told me today that because of a certain marker I should have chemotherapy.  I was shocked but then the blessing I got made more sense. "You have a trial coming..."

The ironic thing is I said I would never do chemo. Ha, when am I going to learn not to say never? But now I have these incredible grand kids to live for. I want to watch them grow up.  

So, once again in my life. I eat my words. I'll go through chemo for them.