Good Times!

Enough deep thoughts for the moment. It's time for a fun story.

I was a pig farmer for several years. I didn't know anything about pigs when my first husband took me to the pig farm to buy our first pig. (He had decided he was going to be a pig farmer which means I was going to be a pig farmer since he worked away from home a lot). I had no idea how big pigs were. I thought they were cute and little. Ha! Me, my husband and my three young children drove out to the farm after dark in our little Toyota pickup truck. Mike went in to talk to the farmer while the kids and I waited in the truck. After a few minutes the truck started rocking. This was in California so I thought we might be having an earthquake. I looked out the window and saw a pig scratching his side on our bumper. The pig walk toward us and I found myself eyeball to eyeball with a 300 lb animal. Oh my gosh!

It gets better...We bought two piglets. Mayonnaise and Spot. They proved to be escape artists. So, we invested in an electric fence. Good times! But Mike didn't string the fence on the other side of the pond. As he left for a construction job in the mountains he assured me that pigs can't swim. (Did I tell you I had three children under 8 and I was pregnant). A few days later as I stepped out to go to a doctor's appointment I looked out over the pond and saw two little pigs swimming across the water. Picture a hugely pregnant woman and three little kids chasing those pigs all over the place. My OB-GYN and her staff had a great laugh over that.

We had a friend that ran a small dairy. She took her prize cows to the county fairs. Fair or no fair the cows have to be milked. When you milk cows on the road you can't sell the milk (health stuff). So, she would save the milk in 50 gallon plastic barrels and bring them to our farm at the end of the fair. Important point: this was in the Sacramento valley, in the middle of summer, where it tends to be 106 degrees. By the time we got the milk it was awful! Did you know maggots can jump?

Mike had another friend that owned a beer bar. All they served was beer. So, Mike gets to thinking. Beer comes from barley, beer has calories and people tend to leave half finished bottles one the counter. He delivered a 50 gallon barrel to the bar and asked his friend to pour all the half empty beers into the barrel and call him when it was full. Yum! It turns out pigs get drunk kind of like people. Some got cantankerous, some got playful and others got amorous. Our big boar decided to find a spot in the shade to sleep it off. The younger pigs were spinning donuts in the field and, well, it was pretty entertaining for a while. But we were church going folks and it made us feel guilty to get the pigs drunk so we didn't do that again.

I will share more pigs stories later but I want to end with some real pig facts. I love pigs. They are smart (except for Dumb Doris). They tend to be friendly (except for Grumpy Gurdy). They come when you call their names. And in spite of being the second stinkiest animal on the planet (Billy Goats are number one) they are very clean. They pick a spot to pooh and never lay in it. They roll in the mud to keep cool because they can't sweat. So the statement "sweat like a pig" is completely incorrect. Some city person must have made it up. I learned a lot from that pig farm. I learned how to work, I was able to overcome fear and learn to be strong. I was able to associate with some really great people. Farmers are the salt of the earth!

It's A Dog's Life

I filed for divorce Wednesday. I separated from my husband a year ago. I won't say anything bad about him for several reasons. Mostly because I feel we all have stuff, especially me! Suffice it to say our values and goals are going in totally separate directions. I've spent the last year letting go of other's expectations, of learning about myself and healing. I still have a long way to go but I feel I'm on the right track and I see God's hand in my life on a regular basis.

So, why is this post titled It's a Dog's Life? I have always found unconditional love from dogs. They ground me and keep me in the moment. They get me outside where God's creations fill my soul. For the last few years I've worked with a dog rescue group posting dogs on our Websites, helping at the twice yearly Super Adoptions and transporting dogs. Transporting has been a pleasant surprise. I've been blessed with the company of a dog on some big occasions.

October 2008 I got a call that my mother was in the hospital. Dad assured me things were OK but I knew in my heart this was the end. I jumped in my car for the 12 hour drive across Nevada to California. Through a strange string of circumstances I ended up bringing a Queensland Heeler across two states to a new owner that would pick her up at my brother's house. One brother encouraged me to fly but I knew I needed the drive to come to terms with my feelings. When I arrived at my brothers he informed me that my mother was indeed in a bad way. That night I lay on the floor with this dog in my arms and sobbed out my grief. My mother died 3 days later.

I've learned to let grief out. When someone is grieving allow them to express it. With the best of intentions most people try to take their mind off the loss, the pain or they tell them how lucky they are. When my 4 day old son Jeremy died people said, you are lucky he didn't live long enough for you to get attached to him, you are lucky because you can have more children, you are lucky it wasn't your husband. I didn't feel lucky but I kept on a good, stoic front for a year. Then I fell apart.

The next big event with a dog transport was with the largest black lab "puppy" I've ever seen. We decided he must be crossed with a Newfoundland. He accompanied me while moving my youngest child to live in Montana. This son was my gift from God after the loss of my baby. He's been a great joy. He was 18 and ready for college and to be on his own. It was time for him to move on but it was hard to let him go. The massive puppy kept me company that night in the motel and rode back to Utah with me. He was a crazy, excited, nippy companion. I laughed and I cried. I processed my feelings.

The day I made the decision to leave my husband I was transporting a black lab mix from Utah county to Ephraim. As I drove through the green hills and valleys the thought came into my mind, "What makes you think anything is going to change? You have been trying for 11 years. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." I knew it was time to move on.

After filing for divorce last week I was anxious and agitated. I couldn't seem to calm down. Friday night they needed to transport a Red Tick Hound from Salt Lake City to Ephraim. Once again as I drove to Ephraim I was reminded of why I made the decision to leave my marriage. I felt centered and knew it was not right to go backward, it was time to move on again.

I've been living with my daughter and her husband for the past year. They have been so good to me but I need to make my own place. I had put off leaving partly because of my beloved Saint Bernard Abby Rose. I've raised her from a puppy and she is MY dog. I say that because she is attached to me. Most dogs are happy for anyone that gives them attention and will give them love. Abby loves me! It's good for my self esteem. This weekend a friend called and offered me her basement apartment and she said I could bring my dog. I'm beginning to be a believer in the fact that if you dream, really envision something you somehow bring it to you. You have to stay open, have faith and let go of control. Then you can truly see miracles.

The Games People Play

Yes friends and family it has been quite some time since I've written. It's been a year since I started this journey of healing and growth. It annoys me that I'm not 100% yet. Hmmm. Perhaps I never will be...at least in this life.

I have learned so much this year. A friend calls this earth school. I think that is appropriate. I feel so blessed to be learning so much in a time when I can appreciate it. The other morning I said to Heavenly Father, "I feel like I'm drinking from a firehose. Could things slow down for just a bit so I can process some of what I'm learning?"

My goal in life for the last several years has been to help others find hope. Why? Because I spent so much of my life without it. I allowed excessive guilt to be a stumbling block. Another stumbling block: I read this on a friends book: "Pleasing people has a twin sister - resentment." I've spent a great deal of time trying to please people. No wonder I have buried hostility. You can't make other people happy. They have to make themselves happy. But it's a hard habit to break.

We all have something to overcome, to cope with. The people I respect the most are the people who face their stuff. Who own that they are human and have weaknesses. I respect anyone that truly tries to overcome their shortcomings.

Control, denial, and playing the victim are all games people play or another way to put it is coping mechanisms people have developed to protect themselves from pain. The first time I understood coping mechanisms was when I heard this story: An alcoholic man has three sons. They hear him coming home drunk. One son dives under his bed to hide. Another son runs to get dad's slippers and paper (the pleaser). The third son meets dad at the front door with his fists up (the fighter). All of these boys have found a way to cope with their father's cruelty. And unless they learn another way they will likely take these coping mechanisms into adulthood.

Those that know me realize I hate to end on a negative. So here is my positive summation. We are living in a time where help, truth and knowledge are all around us. If we pray and ponder we will find anwers in amazing places. I know I have.

I chose this picture because the ocean brings me peace and reminds me of the magnitude of God. He is in charge and He will help us if we ask. Often the answers or rather the change we desire does not happen as quickly as we would like, but it will come. I promise.