How Did I Get Here?

You get some pretty interesting images when you google chaos. This is a black hole. I chose this theme because my life, as usual, is out of control.

I went to my doctor's today and was told I'm pre-diabetic. Scary! And I need to lose weight. Duh. I feel like a mess physically, emotionally and spiritually. It all feels to overwhelming.

I posted this a few days ago. Since then I've had to calm down and re-evaluate. I've started a healthy eating program lots of vegetables, lean protein, fruit and whole grains. Plus I started to exercise again. My dog loves that.

Still, life often feels like one of those games where you are spinning plates on sticks. I can't ever seem to get all the plates going at the same time. If I'm taking care of myself physically I drop the plate of spirituality. If I get the plate of emotions spinning I drop the physical plate. Oh well, I guess that's just life. No one, in spite of what they may think, is perfect.

Nature

In case you haven't figured it out by now, nature speaks to me. No, I don't hear voices. I just learn lessons from observing nature and I find peace.

The other morning I looked up in the parking lot work. I noticed something I had never seen before. It was a flock of birds flying in and interesting formation. At first I thought they were Canada Geese flying south for the winter. But then I noticed they were white. It turns out they were seagulls.

I watched as their formation shifted. It looked exactly like the waves of the ocean. Not the large crashing waves but the gentle foaming edge of the water as it laps up on the sandy shore. I don't know why this site moved me so deeply but I watched them as they flew overhead and then until they were out of site. It was lovely.

Did you know that people rarely look up? I had a sweet dog that would sit, looking up while watching the birds. This morning I looked up and saw the mountains dusted with snow, an old church steeple and the varied colors of the leaves. I hope you look up today and see something beautiful.

Talents Lost & Found

Happy Halloween!

I used to draw and paint but life got in the way and I've not done it in years. In fact I gave up painting in the 80s because an art teacher I had was condescending and critical of everything I did. This Halloween we had a pumpkin contest at work. We had to decorate the pumpkin without carving it.

I decided to paint a monster's face. I bought some kids poster paint and printed out a picture of Frankenstein. I had so much fun painting the pumpkin and I won first prize to boot. Some people even called me an artist. What a compliment and boost to my self esteem.

I rediscovered how much I enjoy painting. I received so many compliments that I think I have the courage to try my hand at it again. I only do it for my own enjoyment and maybe for my family so I don't need to be an expert.

Do you have talents you've buried. Maybe it's time to dust them off and try again. Or maybe it's time to find a new one. Give it a try.

Life Happens

Today I've tried to stay present, not fearing the future, regretting the past or getting lost in my head. I focused on this while doing the dishes and walking the dog. As Oprah said on her lifeclass last night be an observer.

As I pulled into work a hawk was sitting on a small spruce tree by the parking lot. It was the largest hawk I've seen in years. It was beautiful and I thought it was a message from God saying he was aware of me this day. Nature has often been the way God has reached my heart.

Unfortunately a co-worker came into our team meeting and informed us that she has brain tumors. A week ago I had pretty much forced her to go to the hospital. I told her she didn't have a choice of whether she went to the doctor but only where she went. As she was sharing the treatment and prognosis she said life can turn on a dime. Oh, yes it can.

She showed a strength I didn't know she had. She explained that the prognosis was good but that even if things didn't turn out as they hoped she was at peace.

New Life

I chose this image because it reminds me of the dreams of a home I had when I was a teenager and of the dreams I'm having of a future home.

I was married at 19 then divorced then married again within a shockingly quick time. This marriage ended in divorce as well. I then moved in with my daughter. I began to long for a place of my own and found it but then my son needed a place to stay while he went school.

Now that I am finally having some time alone I wake up in the night and wonder, "Who am I?" I say this with the emphasis on "who", then on "am", then in "I". This may sound silly to some but I've spent my life serving and pleasing others.

Sometimes this service was healthy and good. I have 5 wonderful, beautiful children and 5 grandchildren. Service to them has brought me great joy. I've served in my church and at my work. I've volunteered in schools, libraries and for animal rescue groups.

Other times the service was more like co-dependency. I lost my voice as I submitted to manipulation, dominion, anger and even abuse. I thought that was what expected of me.

Now I search for myself. What do I want? Not in a selfish way, but rather what is my voice and how do I use it to be my best self? What gifts do I have to better this world even in my little corner of it?

I've been listening to Oprah's lifeclass and it is teaching me a great deal. I've not been an avid follower of Oprah. I've seen her now and then and agree with much of what she said but not all. So, I still sort out what is for me and what is not. Yet what she speaks of speaks to my heart: Let go of the past, listen to your inner voice and joy rising.



A year ago I didn't think I would feel joy again. Now I believe it will come as I see glimpses of it from the corner of my eye.

One Year Later

Here is my sweet Rosy. I miss her every day. My last post was created the day before she had to be put to sleep. I thought I was prepared but it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Did I make the right choice?

Should I have waited until she was further gone. She had bone cancer and was in great pain but could still walk. Then it went in to her lungs. I didn't want her to suffer pain beyond what she already had. I didn't want her to ever have to be alone again and I had to work. The vet had said her breathing was affected now and that she would decline quickly. He said she had to have been in terrible pain for some time. I hated seeing her drugged and afraid. She flinched at my touch.

Yet during the process I had second thoughts. I was sitting beside her and as they began the injection she pulled away, afraid. I wanted to scream, "No, I've changed my mind, we are going home now." But I knew this was only a matter of time for her. She was going to die it was just a matter of when. I did not want her to suffer. Would I be giving her more time or would I be holding on to her for me?

I lifted her face in my hands and repeated over and over, "I love you, I love you so much." She looked into my eyes the entire time. When her face slipped out of my hands and slumped to the floor I howled, "Noooo!" I threw my hands over my face and sobbed. Everyone left me alone with her. I stroked her. I had spent hours brushing her over the years and I knew every inch of her. Her sleek coat, her brushy tail. her white legs and how the hair went from rusty to tan over her shoulders and hips.

Everyone left the room and told me to take as much time as I needed. I buried my face in her side and wept, "How can I live without you?" Finally I had to pull myself away. I wanted to remember her alive not dead. I ran out of the vets office and collapsed into my daughter's arms.

I don't know how I would have survived without Amanda and her husband B.J. I stayed with them for several days because I didn't trust myself to be alone. I felt Rosy close for several days and have sensed her a couple of times since then but mostly I picture her in the fields of heaven.

I've experienced a great deal of loss in my life. Why was this so traumatic? I think partly because Rosy was the first creature that I felt loved me for me and loved me unconditionally. She saw me through loneliness, seeing my last child move away, the loss of my home and the decline and eventual end of my marriage. When I lived with my daughter and we all went for a walk she would turn and look for me. She would wait as if to say, "Come on, we can't go without you!" She walked right by my side when she was on a leash. When off leash she ran with delight and a laughing grin on her face. She showed pure joy.

Finally I believe animals help us feel not only unconditional love but also how to get outside of ourselves to care for another and to live in the moment. Ultimately they also teach us about death. For whatever reason Rosy's loss allowed me to grieve, really grieve, going through all the emotions. I didn't have to stay strong, be stoic as I had been in my son's death. I didn't have anything to prove to anyone else. Years of pain and loss were washed away with this grief.

I look forward to seeing Rosy again. I hope when it's my time to journey to the other side she will meet me there with her wagging tail and smiling face.