A Tribute to My Best Friend

Dear friends and family,

I am sad to share that my sweet Saint Bernard has been diagnosed with bone cancer. She started limping three weeks ago. I thought she just pulled a muscle. When it didn’t heal I took her to the vet thinking it would be torn ligaments. The vet knew immediately what it was. He said this is typical of the large breeds and happens in mid life. My Abby Rose (sometimes Abby, sometimes Rosy) is 6 years old. She has been my companion and my friend through the tough times of the last several years.

The vet could not say how much time she had but we thought it would be weeks or perhaps months. I don’t believe in letting animals suffer just to keep them with us so the focus was on managing her pain. After the pain meds kicked in we had one great week. We went to the dog park twice. We walked to the local high school where she watched the pigeons. We ran errands together on the weekends. It was cool enough for her in the car. She could be with me and watch what was going on in the world. I bought her a hotdog at the fundraiser for the local high school. It was fun to come back to the car to see her either get excited to see me or resigned, with her mug on the back of the seat looking as if she was terribly picked on. She had that look down pat. She would pout if she felt neglected. Once she was so mad at me for giving my daughter’s dog, London, attention that she went behind the curtains with just her nose sticking out as if to say, “don’t worry about me, I’ll just be over here.” This would be said with an eeyore voice.

Unfortunately this weekend she started coughing. I took her to the emergency Vet thinking she had kennel cough. Sadly she has developed a tumor in her chest. The vet asked if I wanted to put her down that day. I told him I wanted another day or two with her. I wanted Amanda, BJ and London to be able to say goodbye. I wanted another night or two to snuggle with her, petting her side. That has always helped me fall asleep. I had planned to get some good pictures of her but she has gone downhill so quickly that it’s too late to capture who she was.

Indulge me for a moment as I share some of what I loved about her:
· She and I loved going up into the hills in Salem and then in Pleasant Grove. I loved giving her off leash time and she loved sniffing and smelling all the scents of the outdoors. I loved that she got me outside on a regular basis. Life gets busy and it’s easy to not do what we love. Being with animals and out in nature has always been what fills my bucket and gives me joy.
· Both dogs and people do not look up. Rosy loved to look up to watch the birds. She loved watching birds and not with the intent to catch them which is also unique.
· At the dog park people thought she was a young dog because of her bouncing gate. She played like a puppy and loved seeing the other dogs.
· Any time we ran into a dog lover they would compliment me on how beautiful she was. After our move to downtown Salt Lake City I even had people driving by honk, wave and comment on her. I called her my pretty girl. I have to admit this was a source of pride for me.
· She loved riding in the car and was good company.
· She loved getting brushed. It was like a human getting a massage. It bonded us and was grounding for me.
· She loved to play chase. It was fun to observe her chase with another dog around the camper or the coffee table watching to see if the other dog would change direction.
· In the last year she had begun to view cats and small dogs as interactive chew toys. On our last trip to the dog park she knocked over a little old lady trying to get to her poodle. She has also pulled me over on more than one occasion running to play with another dog.
· I taught her how to swim which is not a natural skill for a Saint Bernard. I wanted her to enjoy the water with me. I would take her to Salem pond and go just past where her feet could touch. At first she thought I was out of my mind. But before long she was paddling after the ducks who always stayed just out of reach. One of our favorite walks was on the gravel road along the canal. In the summer she would swim. In late spring we watched a fox den where three years in a row a pair of foxes raised their pups (or is it kits?).
· Since she was a puppy when it was time to go to sleep she would move to the bottom of the bed by my feet. She never liked to snuggle while she was sleeping and would jump off the bed if I wiggled too much.
· She is the only dog that bonded to me. All the dogs I’ve owned or worked with loved me but Abby was my dog. She always loved me best of all.
· Yesterday I held her face in my hands looking into her eyes and telling her over and over again that I loved her. She met my eyes for the entire time which was unusual. Most dogs don’t like to make long eye contact.
· I’m sad she will not see the first snow this year. She always loved that.
· I will miss how her entire body wiggled when I came home in the evening. A tale wag was not good enough to express her joy and to welcome me home.

Few things in my life have been this difficult. The day I learned of her cancer and now that I know the end is so close I feel physically ill, I can’t breathe. Tonight I will snuggle with her for the last time. Tomorrow we will say goodbye for now. A friend told me of someone who felt the dogs that had once been in her life surrounding her in her hospital bed. They nestled around her and held up her arms. I hope to be greeted by my doggy friends when I leave this life. Those dogs taught me about unconditional love and Rosy has been the best of all.

Good Times!

Enough deep thoughts for the moment. It's time for a fun story.

I was a pig farmer for several years. I didn't know anything about pigs when my first husband took me to the pig farm to buy our first pig. (He had decided he was going to be a pig farmer which means I was going to be a pig farmer since he worked away from home a lot). I had no idea how big pigs were. I thought they were cute and little. Ha! Me, my husband and my three young children drove out to the farm after dark in our little Toyota pickup truck. Mike went in to talk to the farmer while the kids and I waited in the truck. After a few minutes the truck started rocking. This was in California so I thought we might be having an earthquake. I looked out the window and saw a pig scratching his side on our bumper. The pig walk toward us and I found myself eyeball to eyeball with a 300 lb animal. Oh my gosh!

It gets better...We bought two piglets. Mayonnaise and Spot. They proved to be escape artists. So, we invested in an electric fence. Good times! But Mike didn't string the fence on the other side of the pond. As he left for a construction job in the mountains he assured me that pigs can't swim. (Did I tell you I had three children under 8 and I was pregnant). A few days later as I stepped out to go to a doctor's appointment I looked out over the pond and saw two little pigs swimming across the water. Picture a hugely pregnant woman and three little kids chasing those pigs all over the place. My OB-GYN and her staff had a great laugh over that.

We had a friend that ran a small dairy. She took her prize cows to the county fairs. Fair or no fair the cows have to be milked. When you milk cows on the road you can't sell the milk (health stuff). So, she would save the milk in 50 gallon plastic barrels and bring them to our farm at the end of the fair. Important point: this was in the Sacramento valley, in the middle of summer, where it tends to be 106 degrees. By the time we got the milk it was awful! Did you know maggots can jump?

Mike had another friend that owned a beer bar. All they served was beer. So, Mike gets to thinking. Beer comes from barley, beer has calories and people tend to leave half finished bottles one the counter. He delivered a 50 gallon barrel to the bar and asked his friend to pour all the half empty beers into the barrel and call him when it was full. Yum! It turns out pigs get drunk kind of like people. Some got cantankerous, some got playful and others got amorous. Our big boar decided to find a spot in the shade to sleep it off. The younger pigs were spinning donuts in the field and, well, it was pretty entertaining for a while. But we were church going folks and it made us feel guilty to get the pigs drunk so we didn't do that again.

I will share more pigs stories later but I want to end with some real pig facts. I love pigs. They are smart (except for Dumb Doris). They tend to be friendly (except for Grumpy Gurdy). They come when you call their names. And in spite of being the second stinkiest animal on the planet (Billy Goats are number one) they are very clean. They pick a spot to pooh and never lay in it. They roll in the mud to keep cool because they can't sweat. So the statement "sweat like a pig" is completely incorrect. Some city person must have made it up. I learned a lot from that pig farm. I learned how to work, I was able to overcome fear and learn to be strong. I was able to associate with some really great people. Farmers are the salt of the earth!

It's A Dog's Life

I filed for divorce Wednesday. I separated from my husband a year ago. I won't say anything bad about him for several reasons. Mostly because I feel we all have stuff, especially me! Suffice it to say our values and goals are going in totally separate directions. I've spent the last year letting go of other's expectations, of learning about myself and healing. I still have a long way to go but I feel I'm on the right track and I see God's hand in my life on a regular basis.

So, why is this post titled It's a Dog's Life? I have always found unconditional love from dogs. They ground me and keep me in the moment. They get me outside where God's creations fill my soul. For the last few years I've worked with a dog rescue group posting dogs on our Websites, helping at the twice yearly Super Adoptions and transporting dogs. Transporting has been a pleasant surprise. I've been blessed with the company of a dog on some big occasions.

October 2008 I got a call that my mother was in the hospital. Dad assured me things were OK but I knew in my heart this was the end. I jumped in my car for the 12 hour drive across Nevada to California. Through a strange string of circumstances I ended up bringing a Queensland Heeler across two states to a new owner that would pick her up at my brother's house. One brother encouraged me to fly but I knew I needed the drive to come to terms with my feelings. When I arrived at my brothers he informed me that my mother was indeed in a bad way. That night I lay on the floor with this dog in my arms and sobbed out my grief. My mother died 3 days later.

I've learned to let grief out. When someone is grieving allow them to express it. With the best of intentions most people try to take their mind off the loss, the pain or they tell them how lucky they are. When my 4 day old son Jeremy died people said, you are lucky he didn't live long enough for you to get attached to him, you are lucky because you can have more children, you are lucky it wasn't your husband. I didn't feel lucky but I kept on a good, stoic front for a year. Then I fell apart.

The next big event with a dog transport was with the largest black lab "puppy" I've ever seen. We decided he must be crossed with a Newfoundland. He accompanied me while moving my youngest child to live in Montana. This son was my gift from God after the loss of my baby. He's been a great joy. He was 18 and ready for college and to be on his own. It was time for him to move on but it was hard to let him go. The massive puppy kept me company that night in the motel and rode back to Utah with me. He was a crazy, excited, nippy companion. I laughed and I cried. I processed my feelings.

The day I made the decision to leave my husband I was transporting a black lab mix from Utah county to Ephraim. As I drove through the green hills and valleys the thought came into my mind, "What makes you think anything is going to change? You have been trying for 11 years. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." I knew it was time to move on.

After filing for divorce last week I was anxious and agitated. I couldn't seem to calm down. Friday night they needed to transport a Red Tick Hound from Salt Lake City to Ephraim. Once again as I drove to Ephraim I was reminded of why I made the decision to leave my marriage. I felt centered and knew it was not right to go backward, it was time to move on again.

I've been living with my daughter and her husband for the past year. They have been so good to me but I need to make my own place. I had put off leaving partly because of my beloved Saint Bernard Abby Rose. I've raised her from a puppy and she is MY dog. I say that because she is attached to me. Most dogs are happy for anyone that gives them attention and will give them love. Abby loves me! It's good for my self esteem. This weekend a friend called and offered me her basement apartment and she said I could bring my dog. I'm beginning to be a believer in the fact that if you dream, really envision something you somehow bring it to you. You have to stay open, have faith and let go of control. Then you can truly see miracles.

The Games People Play

Yes friends and family it has been quite some time since I've written. It's been a year since I started this journey of healing and growth. It annoys me that I'm not 100% yet. Hmmm. Perhaps I never will be...at least in this life.

I have learned so much this year. A friend calls this earth school. I think that is appropriate. I feel so blessed to be learning so much in a time when I can appreciate it. The other morning I said to Heavenly Father, "I feel like I'm drinking from a firehose. Could things slow down for just a bit so I can process some of what I'm learning?"

My goal in life for the last several years has been to help others find hope. Why? Because I spent so much of my life without it. I allowed excessive guilt to be a stumbling block. Another stumbling block: I read this on a friends book: "Pleasing people has a twin sister - resentment." I've spent a great deal of time trying to please people. No wonder I have buried hostility. You can't make other people happy. They have to make themselves happy. But it's a hard habit to break.

We all have something to overcome, to cope with. The people I respect the most are the people who face their stuff. Who own that they are human and have weaknesses. I respect anyone that truly tries to overcome their shortcomings.

Control, denial, and playing the victim are all games people play or another way to put it is coping mechanisms people have developed to protect themselves from pain. The first time I understood coping mechanisms was when I heard this story: An alcoholic man has three sons. They hear him coming home drunk. One son dives under his bed to hide. Another son runs to get dad's slippers and paper (the pleaser). The third son meets dad at the front door with his fists up (the fighter). All of these boys have found a way to cope with their father's cruelty. And unless they learn another way they will likely take these coping mechanisms into adulthood.

Those that know me realize I hate to end on a negative. So here is my positive summation. We are living in a time where help, truth and knowledge are all around us. If we pray and ponder we will find anwers in amazing places. I know I have.

I chose this picture because the ocean brings me peace and reminds me of the magnitude of God. He is in charge and He will help us if we ask. Often the answers or rather the change we desire does not happen as quickly as we would like, but it will come. I promise.

Breaking Through

I haven't written in several days because I've been knocked on my heels by some things going on in the family or rather by memories and emotions that were triggered by those challenges. It's particularly frustrating after the month of pure peace I felt for an entire month. I thought, "Woo Hoo! I've worked out my stuff and now I can focus on serving others." I guess there are still some demons that need facing.

The hourglass is here because of a story a friend told me a couple of decades ago. She compared the hourglass to how we progress in life. We are wandering around in the lower part of the glass. We have a choice, stay where we are or grow & progress. If we decide to progress we have to squeeze through that tiny opening to reach higher ground. It will be painful but if we continue we arrive in another open area. The problem is we have to pass through hundreds of these hourglasses. Some people stay stuck at one level. They either don't want to go through the work to progress, they don't know how, or they are not willing to face the pain.

I met with our new Relief Society President tonight (the leader of our women's church group). She is a wonderful woman who is listening to the spirit. She feels strongly that we women need each other. We are in such challenging times and we have become so isolated. Women used to gather together for support, discussion and even fun. Now with most of us having to work we just don’t have that kind of time anymore. But our need for each other has increased not decreased. She is challenging all of us to reach out to each other in small ways. It is something I’ve believed in for some time and I’m excited to participate. It didn’t hurt that she helped me to feel normal as well. She explained that my recent set back is to be expected under the circumstances and that a third of the women in our ward are going through similar experiences.

Kicking Up Your Heels

In Utah when a storm is coming the wind howls. Last night and this morning it was particularly intense to the point you had to work hard to walk. Because of this I took my dog on a very short walk just to visit our horse friend. This horse is rather quiet, more like dignified. He acts as if he is doing us a favor to come take the carrot from my hand.

This morning was different. The wind had whipped him up as well. He was dashing around his small pasture and kicking up his heals. This set my dog to barking and lunging. I put my dog in a laydown and the horse stopped long enough to eat his carrot and get a pat. Then my dog barked and he turned his back to us with his leg cocked. Little did my dog know he was preparing for a kick. Fortunately I knew, so we went on our way.

This made me think about how I get riled up. You know when you get that attitude of "What! You want a piece of me?" The word ornery comes to mind. Also from the thesaurus: irritable, crabby, cantankerous, infuriated, annoyed, exasperated or grouchy. I think sometimes that's our way of dealing with pain. Anger is often easier to deal with than fear or frustration, disappointment or despair. I recently learned that anger was my go-to emotion. In my childhood home my perception was that negative emotions were not allowed. There was anger or submission. We didn't talk about negative feelings we stuffed them. So I "decided" at a very young age that anger was the only safe negative emotion to use.

Since I uncovered this mistaken belief I've been able to first recognize and then start to deal with the negative emotions I feel. It's still hard work but it's real. If I'm tired or sad or overwhelmed or discouraged I can deal with that emotion. I can back track to what triggered the emotion and handle it appropriately. I can confront and dismiss erroneous thinking. I can grieve for loss or learn from despair. It feels cleaner and healthier. Where I used to feel confusion I'm beginning to have understanding. It's been a long time coming.

A Prayer

I have not written for several days because someone I love is suffering. It is too personal to speak of here but my heart aches for him and for his family.

Over the weekend as I pondered and prayed I was once again led to the website hubblesite.org. This is where I retrieved the photo for this blog.

There are many things that witness to me of God: magestic mountains, the endless ocean, mighty forests and the birth of a child. Now I can add space to that list.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I know scientists have explanations for all that we see. And why shouldn't they? Doesn't God work through scientific means to bring about his purposes? I cannot stand on the beach or view these breathtaking images without knowing the hand that created them.

And how do I know? I know from a lifetime of struggle and heartache, from moments of utter despair when I felt his comfort inexplicably surround me. I know from reading His words. I know from the peace I can feel in my heart. I know from the hundreds of times I have asked for help and received it whether from a the written word, a song, from someone reaching out to me, and from a bit of truth received in a time of need.

Twenty five years ago my four day old son Jeremy died after surgery for a heart problem. As I held off grief because I thought I had to live my testimony of God and a life after death by being stoic and strong. A year after he died I had what they then called a nervous breakdown. I began acting out of character and in a short while became filled with dibilitating anxiety. It became so bad I had to send my three children to stay with their grandparents for a time. It was a terrible year of pain, fear and suffering. It took a year and help from loving people for me to become fully functional again.

As with the Alcoholics Anonymous creed I had to walk hour by hour calling upon God for help. I had my own mantra that I would repeat over and over in my head:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power,

and of love,

and of a sound mind.

2 Timothy 1:7

For any who may be struggling please know truth is out there. It comes from many sources and will come to you in many ways if you seek it with even an inkling of faith. It may come to you slowly, bit by bit, but as you open yourself you will begin to see it everywhere. I believe God talks to us in the language we understand. So while I am Christian and hold everything up to that light I also find truth in surprising places: TV shows, secular and not secular books and magazines, people of all persuasions and backgrounds.


This past year I have worked through a separation soon to be a divorce. I've wept, pondered, reached out for help from so many places and people, and finally found peace. While I know life will still hold challenges I feel my feet are once again on solid ground. I feel centered and when a new piece of real truth comes to me I feel it as if someone hit a tuning fork that hums with a resonance that I can feel. Heart and mind, feelings and thoughts, God speaks to us.

Amazing Grace

Miracles do happen. Not just miracles that save lives or heal the sick but miracles that let dreams come true. Twelve days ago I started this blog with my new dream. I didn't see any way it could happen. Today I was accepted as a volunteer for the group working to set up a Chapter of Child Help in Utah. Can you believe this? Things like this just don't happen to me. I've had friends talk to me about The Secret. They told me to put things out to the Universe and it will come to you. Well, I don't believe in some genie managing the universe but I do believe in God.

Somehow I have been blessed to get the tools to heal, to begin to value myself, to draw wonderful people to me and now I'm being given the chance to give back. I want to pinch myself. It's so wonderful and exciting.

I had a little tiny miracle this morning. After blogging about horses yesterday I was longing to touch one again. In my neighborhood there is a horse property. My dog and I used to walk down to give him carrots and a pat. Several months ago the horse disappeared. Last night as I swung onto my street I saw that he was back. This morning my dog and I walked down, gave him carrots and a pat. On top of that the mountains looked absolutely mystical. The clouds were wispy over the snow caps as a storm began to roll in. Great big drops started falling from the sky. I laughed for the beauty and sheer joy of the moment.

If you are having a bad day hang in there. It will get better. I'm not saying life will be easy or that change will come quickly. It has taken me years and a great deal of work. But if you ask God he will help you along one step at a time at the pace you are ready to handle. Believe!

Horses

I've had several ideas for marvelous blogs but I've not taken the time to finesse them into perfection. So, for now I'm going to share a poem about a horse given to me by a friend. I've not been a rider of horses. My few attempts were awkward at best. However, I believe they are the most beautiful animals on the planet. I spent hours playing horse games as a child; finding a fence to ride, pretending to be a horse in the field, drawing them for hours on end or saving my pennies for a plastic statue of a horse. For some the horse has been their childhood companion.

Here's to you horse riders, you have my admiration.

Kissing a Horse
Of the two spoiled, barn-sour geldings
we owned that year, it was Red—skittish and prone to explode
even at fourteen years—who'd let me
hold my face to his own: the massive labyrinthine
caverns of the nostrils, the broad plain
up to the head to the eyes. He'd let me stroke
his coarse chin whiskers and take
his soft meaty underlip
in my hands, press my man's carnivorous
kiss to his grass-nipping under half of one, just
so that I could smell
the long way his breath had come from the rain
and the sun, the lungs and the heart,
from a world that meant no harm.

From Pocket Poets volume Poems About Horses by Robert Wrigley

Dark Days

I've not been able to blog the last few days because I've had the blues. We had a couple of days of sunshine then rain/snow/rain for three days. I don't like darkness. I love light, I need light. I fight depression all winter long. I also love colors and the colors tend to disappear in winter. Right now I'm craving green! In California the hills are a luscious green now and my dad has already planted his tomatoes. We can't plant until after Mother's Day. But this morning I awoke to sunshine. I had to take the time to walk with my dog before leaving for work. It was lovely! So, it's on to better days ahead.

Here is another personal philosophy: I hate when Yoda says to Luke Skywalker, "there is no try there is only do!" I don't agree. Getting up and trying time and time again is what I admire. Most people have been knocked down in this life. Many of us over and over again. You only fail when you quit getting up. So, keep trying. Intent is worth a great deal. A man asks Jesus to heal his child. Christ replies that he can heal the child if the man believes. The man replies, "Yeah Lord I believe. Help though my unbelief." Jesus heals the child. So intent or desire, just to want to do the right thing, to want to believe is the first step.

Hope

I'm a bit discouraged today. I've lost one home and I'm about to lose another. I moved in with my daughter after separating from my husband last year. We were lucky enough to sell our home for what it was worth. So we walked away with nothing but we beat forclosure by days. Now, due to temporary disability, my kids are looking at having to leave their home as well.

The other reason I'm discouraged is physical. I've struggled with chronic fatigue for the last couple of years. I'm a doer so this is tough for me. I was a sickly kid where the majority of my entertainment was through books. Thus began my love of reading. Then in my late 20s my husband decided we were going to be pig farmers. Now there's an adventure for a mother of three young children. Especially since my husband worked away from home for days and sometimes weeks on end. This meant I was going to be a pig farmer.

Now here is where hope comes in. This was a very difficult time for us for many reasons but it also gave us some of the greatest gifts. First, it taught me and the kids how to work. And believe me we worked hard. That training gave my sons the strength to overcome the odds. They reached out of poverty to put themselves through college, gain success in their fields and become good husbands and fathers. I believe the lessons from those days helped us develop compassion and certainly problem solving skills. You have to think out of the box when you are running a farm on a shoe string.

So now I've come to circumstances where I can't just dig in and push through barriers. My body just won't let me. In my first marriage we moved often (17 times in 7 years). So I became very good at moving. In the 90's I had to call my two oldest sons to help me move. I remember crying on the phone and telling one son, "I can't lift the washing machine anymore." He replied, "Mom you should never have had to."

There's my second reason for hope. How can I wallow in misery when I have such wonderful children? I'm a spiritual person. I believe in angels and therefore demons as well. The dark side would have us be discouraged, overwhelmed and confused. While God would have us call upon him for strength. I know if we ask for help He will either give us the path to clear our problems or the strength to endure them. Truth is just a prayer away. Wherever we are is a good enough place to begin. So while I wonder what will become of me I know whatever comes will be for my good if I lean on the Lord. So there is my third and strongest reason for hope! Man, even our closest friends and family members are fallible but God is constant. I believe we have angels watching over us if we are trying our best to do the right.

Good People

There are two reasons why I started this blog. First, to have a place to put down my thoughts (journaling). Second, to help inspire others with stories, thoughts and impressions I've received. I've been on a journey for the last several months to heal and to learn about me.

My entire life I've been under the "leadership" of a man. First my dad, then at 19 I was married to my first husband for 24 years, then shortly after the divorce I was married again. This time it lasted 11 years. If you have seen the movie Runaway Bride you will understand a bit of how I felt. I didn't know what kind of eggs I liked. But now I'm relearning what makes me happy. For years on end I didn't think I would ever be really happy again. I've done some emotional healing work and rediscovered joy. That doesn't mean every day is perfect. It does mean I have inner peace and that I like myself again. I used to think I would only be happy in the next life (heaven). But now I'm finding this life can be great as well. All this will come out in pieces as I continue to build this blog and tell my story.

Today I want to share a thought about good people. Last night I watched two shows with my daughter. One was Oprah Winfrey. On this show she had four young men from an MTV show called The Buried Life. I'd never heard of it before. The show is about 4 young men who decide to LIVE life. So they created a list of 100 things they want to do before they die, they bought a bus and started to tour the country. This could be a story about selfishness but not with these boys. On their journey they take every opportunity to encourage and help others. One time they got jobs to raise $300 so a young woman could visit the grave of her mother in another state. They helped another young mother overcome her fear of heights. They did this with encouragement and with their arms circling her for strength. The people they reach out to are ordinary people of all ages, races and sizes.

The second show was about a man from England who flew to America to help change the way school children eat (Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution). He cares about the health of our children. Surprisingly he ran into obstacles all along the way. Grumpy cooks, rule crazy administrators and even a negative radio host. But he ends up one by one winning people over with the help of the young people in the town. He reaches out to everyone all ages, races and sizes.

These stories deeply touched me. It is easy to get caught up in the media illusion and believe that people only care about the beautiful people or cut themselves off with their selfish desires. I've always been fascinated by the battle between good and evil. Sometimes it can feel like evil is winning. But at every natural disaster or even man made attack you will hear multiple stories of heroism. Over and over people put themselves out and even risk their lives to reach out to help those in need. I believe in people!

A New Dream

I just found what I want to do when I grow up. I was home sick from exhaustion yesterday and slept 'til 10:45am. I then lay in bed watching Lifetime Movie Network. Most movies were light & fluffy but one was a true story about a couple of actresses that started a program and home for abused children (http://www.childhelp.org/). The home was a small farm where the kids could participate in art therapy, work in a garden or care for animals. I would love to be involved in something like that. It appears Colorado has the closest chapter and the farms are in California and Virginia. So this dream will not come to fruition in the near future.

Why does this appeal to me? For many reasons. I long to be doing something that makes a real difference. I tried working with abused children in the past but was unable to handle the horrifying stories of their lives. This seems different because you are giving them healthy outlets for their pain, fear and frustrations. I'm good with animals. I've worked with dog rescue and ran a small pig farm with goats, rabbits, calves, chickens, ducks and fish. As a child I saved all my quarters until I had $5 to rent a horse for a one hour ride.

I love art and I've done my share of dabbling in the garden. Animals, art and the earth have been essential to my healing and health. So many people have helped me along the way. I would love to pay it forward and assist children or women in their own healing. I'm not a therapist or an expert in much of anything but I've learned tolerance and love for people of all kinds. I've learned through my own struggles for self improvement to be patient with others imperfections. My philosophy is that we are all broken in one way or another. So we need to be kind and work to edify each other. I have a gift for empathy and an ability to read people's emotions. Would that be enough? Is there a need for a 55 year old woman with empty pockets but with a big heart?