Sufficient to the Day is the Evil Thereof

The heading to this post is a scripture that I find very relevant. For years I was such a worrier. I worried about everything. Through years of therapy, of life and learning I have gained this tool. When you are worrying about something in the future. Stop. What is happening right now? Deal with this moment. 

Most of the things we worry about never happen. Plus, I believe God will give us what we need in the moment we need it. If I'm going to get cancer in 10 years, I don't need strength to cope with that now. 

I've worked hard to learn to live in the moment. It's something I have to remind myself to do constantly. I've learned that many of the unhealthy things I do or don't do are trauma responses. Years of being put down and used have made me hyper vigilant. I'm grateful for the people and the spirit that has helped me to cope with life. 

Deja Vu

I stepped into the past today. It was a combination of finding a Boomer radio station that played everything from my teen years. To driving through a neighborhood that reminded me of what I imagined my life would be. In fact, Fantine's song ran through my mind. (From Les Miserable). 

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

The difference is I don't feel I'm living in hell but my life is a far cry from what I dream. I was such a hippie type of person. I pictured living in Petaluma California, a sleepy town in an old house with a wooden front porch which was painted light blue. I know specific. I would be listening to James Taylor, Carol King and Carly Simon. I wanted a garden, I would shop at health food stores. Of course, I would have a dog. I would read, go for long walks, finish college and not have a TV. Oh and last of all, I would have a loving husband. 

Instead I'm living in a tiny house, actually a converted milk barn. I've been divorced twice and my last dog, Rocket (above) died last summer. He saw me through breast cancer. I worked for Stampin' Up! for 21 years and lived in the city. 

It was weird to feel like I was back as a teenager. I'm 70 years old and i felt like I was back at 17. I'm sure my grandkids can't imagine me as a young person.