Gratitude Journal

I have come back from the dark place I was in for a few months. I was amazed to learn that I had turned bitter. I thought I was beyond such feelings. But I worked through this waive of despair. It is always turning to Christ that gets me through those times. We need to feel our feelings and acknowledge they exist but the operative word it through. We don't need to embrace them or stay stuck in them. In the end Anger, Bitterness and refusing to forgive only hurts us.

Now I want to start a gratitude journal again. Here is what I'm grateful for today. Friends! I love when someone sees me coming they smile. It makes me feel loved and that I matter to them. I love friends that love you in spite of your weaknesses. I love friends that support you during hard times. I love friends that make you laugh. I've been blessed most of my life to have good friends. Yay!

Rebelling Against God

I am angry. Once again I've tried to take control of my life and hit failure again. Here is an e-mail I sent to a co-worker today that explains part of it:

"This should probably happen face-to-face but I’m sure I would just sob and I’m not strong enough right now to face that.


The other day you pointed out that I was taking the elevator just one floor down. There was condescension in your look. I should have stood up for myself then but I didn’t. I’m going to do it now.

A couple of months ago I determined that I was going to walk every day. I was going to walk up hills. I was going to walk to enjoy nature and to lose weight. I rediscovered that being outside and moving my body gives me peace and joy. I was walking farther every day and feeling great about myself.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I developed a physical problem that means I can’t do that for at least several months. I’m really mad about that. I have to talk myself into coming to work every day. I have to talk myself into staying at work every day. I cry every day. I’m in pain all the time.

Don’t judge me. You don’t know what any person is carrying. I’m happy that you have lost weight, that you are fit and happy. Frankly I’m jealous. But I have my own path. Hopefully I can find the hope that there’s a reason for this because at the moment I just don’t see it."

Yes, that's right. I just don't see it.

I was putting on my shoes the other morning. I had been in terrible pain for two days. As I reached to put on a shoe pain shot through me. "F___," I said. I felt my mother leaning over my shoulder saying, "Dear, we don't say that word." I screamed "F___,F___, F___!" I sobbed and then I danced. I danced to the music in the muksical Across the Universe. A movie telling the story of life in the late 60's using Beatles music. I am a great dancer and I danced. I cried. I ranted. I danced.

Why can't I catch a break I told my son. I want to give up. I want to quit trying. Yet, here is a quote I found that seems to be all I can do right now:

"Hope begins in the dark; the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." - Anne Lamott

My flaw seems to be in trying to control my life. Is the answer surrender? Is the answer to cry until there are no more tears?

I just checked out the book Women, Food and God. Wow! She is talking about eating or other obsession being used to avoid pain. To overcome that desire to bolt. Oh yes, I want to bolt. I keep being told to face the pain. To go through it. Must I cry for weeks? I've been running away for years. Now at every turn I feel more pain. Emotional or physical. It moves from one place to another, it is always grows, I can't make it go away. It is demanding my attention.

Restricted Grief

Jeremy was my son born June 4 1983 died June 8, 1983
Monday August 13 I had a horribly painful but yet incredible experience. I want to share it with our family. It is written in a broken style as it came to me in a process with Amanda, Daniel & Sara of Enlighten.

“I can’t breathe. Please help me; I need someone to process me. The pain is suffocating. No inhaler, it’s emotional pain.”

Daniel, “What is it?”
“My baby died.”
Daniel, “What happened?”

“He had a heart defect.”
“Everything was fine at first.” I can see Jeremy lying on my chest. Peaceful, quiet.

The way I find out , my doctor comes and says, “ There is something wrong with your baby. I refuse to do your tubal ligation. If he dies you might change your mind.” He walks away.
“I try to find someone to tell me what’s going on. No one tells me anything.”
"I want to run. He can’t breathe. I can’t stand to watch his pain."
“Then an ultra-sound of his heart. There is something wrong. They are flying him to San Francisco Presbyterian Hospital. I can’t go with him. I have to drive down the following day."
I don’t remember being given a choice of whether Jeremy was going to be taken to San Francisco.
“They took him away from me!”

“My arms hurt!"
“He only has half a heart. He can’t live without surgery. They won’t let me hold him.”
[Coughing so hard. I can’t get it out. I can’t breathe.]
I get to see him once more. To hold him only once more.
They did surgery. ”They used him as a guinea pig. Only a 15% chance of survival. ”

”His heart wouldn’t start.”

”People say I was lucky because he died before I got to know him. I’m lucky because he is in heaven. I don’t feel lucky. ”
”His coffin was so tiny.”
"Why did you take him away from me? He was going to die anyway. You should have left us alone."
”They tell me I’m lucky because I can have more kids, because he is in heaven. I don’t feel lucky!”

I cover my face and sob.
[Coughing so hard. I can’t get it out. Then blackness pours from me.]
Daniel, “Jeremy is here. He says it’s not your fault. He loves you.” I sense Jeremy kneeling at my feet with his hands on my knees, looking up at me.
For the first time I understand his pain. I now see how his pain and mine are intertwined.

Afterward
Over the years Amanda told me Jeremy felt left out. He wanted to bond with us. I didn’t know what to do with that information. He wouldn’t bond with me when he was born like the other kids did.

I begin to experience street lights blinking on or off as I pass by. It happens often. I began to know someone was saying “Hi. I see you. I know you are there and I care.” A month ago I knew it was Jeremy. What a surprise.
I’ve learned that Jeremy wants to be part of our family. He watches us and watches over us. He cares what is happening in our lives. He is part of us.

International Women's Day

I learned today that March 8 is International Women's Day. As I searched the Internet I was deeply moved by all the images of women related to this day. Women celebrating, protesting, working, living.

Next to my concern for animals is my concern for women. Women have been used, abused, neglected, belittled and even killed.

One wonders why some men are so threatened by women. Why men raised by mothers can be so cold and controlling to women. Women have power that many men want to squash. I believe in the rights of women to live in peace, to raise their families in love and to be free from fear.

This will not happen in my lifetime and may not happen in the life at all. But I choose to be a witness of and for women everywhere. My soul yearns to be of help to the women of the world. I hope I can make a difference. I hope I am making a difference in my little corner of the world. I hope by being tolerant and having compassion I can somehow uplift the world. If we all do it then it has to make a difference.

Gnarled Oak Tree

I hiked around a snowy meadow with my dog this morning. It is surrounded by scrub oak trees. They speak to me.

When I was young my home had a hill behind it. I used to hike up the hill and hide in the oak trees. It was one of my favorite places to be.

An interesting thing about oak trees is how tenacious they are. The limbs can be blowned ove and they will still grow. I've seen trees where the trunk is even pushed over and the tree still grows.

The scrub oaks where I live now look dead in the wintertime. It's amazing when they come back to life in the spring.

Maybe I'm part oak tree.

The Body

I heard recently that our bodies remember everything we experience. That was a powerful thought for me.

Years ago I discovered that it is generally the sensitive souls that become addicts. These sensitive souls have a hard time coping with life. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, or food these are all ways of trying to escape from reality.

The thought that the body could say to the mind or spirit, "You have been able to hide or escape but I've had to stay here and feel it all!" Wow!

The idea is that you can only run away for so long. The body eventually gets out attention. I've not taken illegal drugs and I don't drink alcohol but I do eat for comfort. It is a family tradition that I tried to escape. My body is now paying the price for my neglect and it seems for the emotions I've refused to deal with.

There is hope in that I'm starting to face life but it is a painful process of peeling the onion. As I come to peace with something another issue surfaces. My daughter assures me there is a point where you can stay in peace more often than not. Life has always been a struggle for me but it is starting to make more sense. One of the things I've spent my life learning is the lack of control we have. I'm learning that peace comes when we turn control over to God, when we have the faith that he will either fix it or help us through it. I hold onto that hope.

Music from the Old Days

For some crazy reason an old children's song popped into my head today - Bullfrogs & Butterflies we've both been born again...

I remember I worked very hard to have a positive feeling in the house when my kids were growing up. I banished their Deaf Leapord and Guns & Roses to the shed. I imagine they are a little scarred from that. But we all shared James Taylor and Jim Croce

My all time favorite was Carole King and it's still in my top 10. Every song on that album reminds me of some time in my life.

Another all time favorite is Les Miserables. This music deeply affected me. The juxtaposition of Javier vs Val Jean was a life changing lesson in the law vs. the spirit. It helped me make sense for myself out of why I push against rules for rules sake. It was also a compelling lesson in how being rigid can stop our growth. Javier killed himself when he realized he had been wrong about Val Jean. He could not face the fact that the beliefs he had based his entire life on were flawed.

I love music with a message, particularly with a positive message. I'm an optimistic realist. I refuse to hide from the real world but I choose to believe that good will win in the end and that things work out.

The Dog Park

I love the dog park. It is so fun to watch the dogs at play. You see every type of dog; big & small, fast and slow, fat & skinny. Some dogs are dog focused not seeing people but only dogs to sniff, run and play with. Some dogs are people focused going from person to person asking for pets.

Some dogs are obsessive about chasing tennis balls and frisbees. The are soooo OCD about the item and can hardly think until the fall or frisbee is thrown.

The boxers bounce...really bounce. They can twist and leap in one motion. The little dogs act like they are the ones in charge. There are dogs that like to play rough and dogs that hide between their owners legs or under the bench.

I read a Dean Koontz book that described dog play. He explained that a dog with a stick will convince the other dogs that the stick is the best one of all and that they must have it. Then the chase begins. I see that form of play and notice the dogs are grinning.

If there is a sound of fighting most of the dogs run towards it. I've seen a few tussles and I've helped to break up a couple of real fights. I'm probably not afraid enough of dogs in a fight. The time I won't get involved is when both dogs are on their hind feet, face to face, biting and snarling. My goofy, mellow, blanket of a Golden Retriever gets into fights like this if some male dogs are not fixed. It's scary and he has come out with some bloody bites. Most of those dogs are bigger or tougher than he is. I tell him he's crazy.

But most of the time it's all fun and games at the dog park. I love the games of chase and the dogs in the play bow. That is when dogs lay down with their front feet but their rear end is up in the air. It's quite funny but it is the beginning of a good time.

My Rosy liked to chase cats and confront dogs. Her reaction to the dog would be whatever their reaction to her was. If they wanted to play so did she. If they wanted to fight she was up for that too. She pulled me off my feet more than once heading for another dog.

My new dog, George the Golden Retriever, loves to run and run. He is a senior dog so the running doesn't last too long but he surprises everyone with how much he can run. Since I got him from a pound I don't know anything about his history but I think he must have been left in someone's back yard. He was not beaten but he didn't know how to play. He didn't know how to play with dogs or people. He is a Retriever that doesn't retrieve. He just looked at dogs as if to say, "what are you and what am I supposed to do with you?" But thanks to my daughters dog, my sons dog and going to the dog park he is starting to come out of his shell. He still doesn't know how to play with people. He thinks they are just good for giving pets. But I can see some interaction between him and other dogs now. It's nice to see.

Anyway, if you need some unconditional love or just a smile head to the dog park.

Lessons I've Learned

I used to think life was a pass fail test and I was failing. The presure and the guilt that came along with that belief nearly killed me. It certainly killed my spirit more than once.

I was under the impressions that I had to be perfect. Well, at least by the time I died in order to get to heaven. I believed that I had to work myself to heaven.

Another erroneous belief I was taught was that you have only really repented when you don't repeat the sin. Hogwash! Some weaknesses can only be overcome by trying and trying and trying again. Even then there are some we will not be rid of in this life. There is a great scripture that tells us we are given weakness to keep us humble. It seems many of us need that reminder. :)

Fortunately a few years ago I had the epiphany that life is not a pass fail test but rather a laboratory. We learn from our experiences and our experiments. Sometimes things blow up. But even then we have learned something. We only fail when we quit trying.

So, I continue to experiment. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I get it wrong but I'm continuing to learn and grow.

I'm grateful for friends and family that accept me for who and where I am. We don't influence people to succeed by judging, criticizing or comparing them to others. The old cliche really is true, "Be kind, everyone is fighting a hard battle."

Stay Alive!

Yesterday I was listening to a local talk radio show. They mentioned a new study that states Utah is one of the highest in the nation for suicide and is the top state for people thinking of committing suicide. There was a discussion about what caused this but I was lost in my own thoughts.

I have been in that dark place but have always been able to reach out for help. My children, friends, church and even professionals are there.

I've seen the aftermath of suicide. A friend whose brother returned from war and could not face what he had seen and perhaps done. A co-worker that took his own life to get even with his girlfriend and a relative whose father chose this route to end his suffering. The ripples of pain and despair that spread out from these incidents is unfathomable. I know those that died would think twice if they could see what they left in their wake.

I am not here to pass judgement. But I do want to encourage anyone that may be in that dark place to reach out for help. Friends, churches, therapists and even the emergency room can help you. The National Suicide Prevention hotline number is (800) 273-8255 Call if you need to. There are people that care and better days will come. You matter and whether you can see it now or not, you are loved.

I chose this picture from the movie The Last of the Mohicans. In this scene the stars are trapped behind a waterfall with the enemy approaching. The decision is reluctantly made that their best hope is to have the men escape and come to save the women later. Daniel Day-Lewis says to his lady, "Stay alive. I will find you. Do what you have to do to stay alive!" This line was so powerful. Sometimes all we can do is to stay alive. Plod forward until we have more strength. I promise it is worth it. You are worth it!

Making Cards

I finally decided to let some chores wait and stamp some cards. I made some similar to the one here. It feels good to create.

Whether it is paper crafting, drawing, painting or writing it is always rewarding. It's too bad that we so often allow the to do list to override the need to create, to fill our souls.

I'm glad I chose crafting over vacuuming the floor last night!

Losing my Keys

I keep losing my keys. Three times in three months. The first two times I was walking my dog and they fell out of my pocket when I pulled out the doggie bag. I was able to back track and find when they had fallen.

I added a key ring with some bright orange ribbon so if it happened again I would more easily see them. No luck. This time they seem to be really gone.

I only walked from my car parked around the corner to my house. I only had my purse and the clothes on my back. I've backtracked, checked pockets and reorganized. They are nowhere to be found.

I hate losing things. Plus now, because I had to make a copy of a key from a copy I can't open my trunk except from the latch inside my car. I told my son I was tempted to spray paint a hub cap bright pink and attach my keys to that. Instead I settled for a bright orange reusable stuffed grocery bag, a little plastic dog bone with my name and phone number and one of those coiled bracelet things that you can wear on your wrist. Maybe now I can keep track of them.

I'm sure there is some deep seated psychological reason for this continued loss but I'm choosing not to think about that.

God is Good

Yesterday, Valentine's Day stirred up some raw feelings, particularly about my second marriage. I was feeling stupid and angry at myself for ever falling for the guy. I was feeling bitter towards him and about the situation. And horrible about putting my youngest child through the ex's anger and manipulaton.

I was kind of praying about the whole situation and asking for help getting over the bitterness. I say kind of praying because I'm not good at getting on my knees and formallly praying. But I am constantly talking to God in my head. I thank him for all the little things he points out to me, the things he teaches me and the times he points out mistakes I've made (always with love).

I received a couple of little tidbits throughout the morning helping me to understand what was going on with my emotions, giving me permission to feel what I feel and helping me to also see the good and the beautiful around me.

The biggest help came when I arrived at work. The same co-worker that showed me love and understanding yesterday gave me more today. She helped me feel heard but not judged. She opened my eyes to some truths. For example: she reminded me that I was not responsible for my husband's choices, that I had done the right thing and could not be responsible for him making the wrong decisions. It was the breath of fresh air that I needed.

I chose the picture in the blog because so often the Lord has given me strength through my women friends. My kids are my reason for being and have often been what has seen me through the tough times. Yet, my women friends have given me assurance, acceptance and support. I thank God for the good people He has put in my path and for their in turn listening to the spirit and helping me to continue on the path.

The Birds Are Happy

The birds were singing this morning as I was out walking my dog. The sun was out after a light storm. I wondered if they were tricked into thinking it was spring or just taking advantage of the moment. Either way they made me smile.

It wasn't until later that I realized it was Valentine's Day. I've never been fond of this holiday as I feel it set's up so many people for disappointment.

When I came to work a co-worker had a half dozen roses on her desk. The mail man at our company was running himself ragged trying to deliver all the flowers, chocolates and cards. My angst must have shown because a dear friend came by my desk. She told me the same thing she had told her single brother, "you are loved by many." That made me cry. Her words made me face some emotions I didn't even realize were there. Here is what I e-mailed to her:

You really made me cry. I want you to know that most of the time I'm fine being single. Being alone is so much better than being in a bad marriage. But once in a while I do feel sad. It's less abut being single than it is about how poorly I was treated when I was married. My first husband treated me like I was never good enough. IN fact he even said so at atimes. My second husband was one of the most self-centered people I've ever met. He never did anything that wouldn't give him something in return. I guess I still have some issues to work through.

Later I pondered my words. I faced that I go through my first marriage again for the wonderful children I have. But I would not go through my second marriage for anything. It was such a wast of years, money, and was nearly the death of me. I realized I was bitter. Then I read from y daily meditation book by Melody Beattie. Here is an excerpt:

"...The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like.

Or it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. OUr most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don't want in our life.

We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves..."

Well, I guess you can find a silver lining in every cloud.

Aaargh!

First, I have seriously considered not blogging for a while. I find myself in an angry place and when I originally started this blog was to write uplifting posts that I hoped would touch others. But I also made a pledge that it would be real and honest. So, as many young people say these days, "It is what it is."

Now I find myself in a time of frustration bordering on bitterness. I don't know if it's because it's winter and I'm depressed, that I'm unable to get control of my health or my weight or that something is working it's way to the surface. I've learned over the past couple of years that our feelings will manifest themselves one way or another. While I wish I could be always gracious I am human. I know Christ can heal all things but I believe we have to face them first. That can be an ugly process.

I don't mean that we have to reprocess every single feeling or experience that we've had. But rather that we have to face false beliefs we have internalized whether these beliefs were forced upon us by others or we somehow misunderstood situations. An example of the latter is when a child blames themselves for their parents divorce.

For me, somehow, somewhere I bought the belief that I am worthless and the cause of most conflicts in relationships. This manifests itself with overeating, unhealthy boundaries, depression, fear and axiety. My go to emotion is "it's my fault and I'm worthless."

So keep reading if you want to but I understand if you move on. I hope to come out the other side with a renewed optimism and realistic view of myself.

Goodbye to Jimmy

This little puppy has been name Jimmy by my wonderful son-in-law. He was dumped out in the country near my daughter's house. Then a young girl tied him to my daughter's porch on her dogs lead.

Jimmy was really cold when my daughter came home and found him. She wrapped him in a blanket and then took him inside. She planned on keeping him for a couple of days until they were able to find his owner.

Sunday they had a delightful day together being happy and playing together.

Monday it was clear Jimmy was very sick. He was taken to a vet where it was found he had a serious case of Parvo. Parvo is a terrible disease caught mostly by puppies especially those that have not been vaccinated. Since my daughter didn't have the thousand dollars to treat Parvo the vet told her he would have to be put down.

My daughter has a very tender heart and so she spend the rest of the day sobbing and broken hearted. This sweet little dog didn't deserve what happened to him. But thanks to my daughter he spent his last couple of days feeling loved. I guess in the end that is all we can do for our fellow creatures and is the greatest gift of all.

Good & Evil!

This is a very distasteful thing to write about but I have to get it out and that means writing it down.

I'm not much of a sports fan but I usually watch the Super Bowl to see the commercials. Yesterday I actually got into the game. It was fun and exciting to see. I thought the commercials were delightful as well.

Why would I call the Super Bowl good? Well, it's because it seems to bring out the good in people. It's a day that almost all of America comes together as friends and family to share the excitement with comraderie along side some friendly competition. I didn't see any poor sportmanship. It left me feeling happy.

Then the local news came on with a terrible story of evil. A little over two years ago a mother of two young boys had "disappeared." I use the quotation marks because the police and most of the rest of us are sure the husband killed her. He was evasive in interviews and uncooperative with the police. His father was recently arrested for child pornography. He had his children taken away for fear of what he would do to them. The little boys lived with their grandparents.

It had come out recently that one of the boys was talking about the night his mother disappeared. He had said that mom was in the trunk, that his mom and dad had gone into the desert and that only dad had come back saying that mom was lost.

So, yesterday the boys were taken by a social worker to a supervised visit with their father. On arrival the father pushed the social worker out the door and locked it. Then a fire began. The father killed his two little boys and himself in the fire. What a horrific thing.

I can understand that the father was breaking under the weight of two years of scutiny. I just can't understand why he had to kill his children. They had a happy home with their grandparents. He would not have been leaving them to a sad life. Why? The only reason I can think of is that he was afraid the truth would come out from his children and that even in death he could not face the truth. How terribly sad.

As Christians we are taught not to judge but it is very hard in this situation. I hold in reserve the thought that perhaps he was mentally ill though I don't believe that. More likely is that his evil father destroyed this man's conscience somehow. Who knows what kind of childhood he had. Yet there is a part of me that wants this man to burn in hell. He not only killed his children, he did it in one of the most painful ways imaginable.

The only peace I have are from stories of children that survived terrible abuse and spoke of Jesus coming to be with them during these times. The children tell of being held in Christ's arms of being surrounded with his peace and love. Whatever happened I have no doubt they have been reunited with their mother now. They are beyond pain and fear. Their father is not so lucky.

Symbols, Totems and Allegories

For some reason I've been drawn to symbols lately. It is interesting to ponder our symbols and what they mean. Symbols have been used throughout time.

While I don't believe symbols bring us power I do believe they can point us towards truths we should remember. Allegories have often been used in scripture to help us understand a difficult concept e.g. we are lost sheep. This helps our hearts understand what our minds may not comprehend.

These symbols have meaning to me. First and foremost is an often used symbol for Christ. I am a believer and while I'm human and make many mistakes but I strive to live as He would have me do.

The key represents truth to me. Truth is very important in my life. I feel without truth we cannot overcome or solve problems. Truth also tells us who we really are. In this world we do not see our true selves. The key reminds me that there is more to me than what is seen.

The bear symbolizes strength and that I have protection. Protection comes in different forms at different times. Sometimes it's physical protection and other times it's spiritual. But I have often felt it in my life. I would not have survived spiritually and spiritually because of the protection of God, nature, family and friends.

The feather is my symbol for birds. Birds have taught me so much. Joy of life, community, building nests takes work, soaring above the world, stalwart witnesses. My Native American name is Gentle Hawk. When I first received it I thought it was an oxymoron and that it didn't fit me. I never thought of myself as gentle. Yet in the years since I have developed gentleness. It has developed through hardship and the undconditional love and service of others.

I have been greatly blessed in my life and I'm grateful for the symbols that remind me of these things.

Pain

I am in emotional and/or physical pain most of the time. I've been through a great deal in my life. I know everyone carries baggage so I'm not playing the poor me card. I try not to be a victim. Having said that I believe we have to face our painful experiences to get through to the other side.

I've been through two divorces, lost my home three times, been through bankruptcy twice, lived through the death of my four-day-old son. I've been hopitalized several times for breathing problems. I've lived in five states and I've moved dozens of times.
I've lived through a great deal of manipulation and emotional abuse. I've lived through incredible loss. This last two years has particularly left me feeling battered and broken.

All of this has taken a toll on my mind and body. My mother coped with food. She became obese and ended up sitting in a chair 10 years before she died and giving up. At least that's how it seemed to some of her children. I avoided that problem for the most part until my last marriage. I was so miserably unhappy that I started to eat and eat and eat. I gained 100 pounds and I've not been able to lose it. Yet I've still refused to sit in that chair.

In the past I've been stoic and most often faithful. The words, "Endure to the End" My daughter, who works with people on emotionally healing, gave me some thoughts that have given me pause. She said that while our minds can escape to other places our bodies must be present. They feel and store everything. I'm in the processing of working through "my stuff."

I'm working with prayer and scriptures. My daughter just added that I need to write. I am doing some of that with blogging and journaling. However, my daughter has encouraged me to Free Write. This means to get a private notebook and write whatever comes to mind. That includes "inappropriate" words, emotions, judgement, etc. By getting out the pain and with the help of God I hope to be able to heal and ultimately be able to stop stuffing (eating) my feelings.

Polar Bear Plunge!

This is one of the crazier things I've done. Saturday January 28 I went to a polar bear plunge. I believe it was 26 degrees at the time. you can see the snowon the ground. the shiny smooth water you can see in the distance is ice on the water. We were near Jordanelle Reservoir. There were 22 people from a local thrill seekers club. After 8 of us took the plunge a ranger came by and said we had to stop or someone would go to jail and pay a hefty fine. She went so far as to tell us that she was going to call everyone she could think of to tell them we might try to plunge. The group was not willing to give up so they talked about where they could go. They ended up at the Provo River. My ride was cold and hungry so we headed home.

Before I headed to the water I told my son,"If I die remember I died the way I wanted to. Living life not sitting in a chair!" My friends and my kids seem proud of me. :)

The Silly Situations I Get Myself In!

I love the country and I love the water. I've spent many happy hours in the water. My kids and I used to tube down creeks and rivers in California.

From 2001 - 2009 I lived in Salem Utah. One of my favorite things to do there was to walk with my dogs along this canal up in the foothill. I have two funny stories from this time.

One summer day my daughter, son-in-law and I along with our dogs decided to take our intertubes down the canal. I had a slightly crazy yellow labrador at the time. When she saw me on the inner tube she was in a panic because she thought I was going to drown. In her attempt to "save me" she was frantically clawing at me with her paws. It caused me to panic because of pain and the inability to get away from her. My daughter noticed my predicament and yelled to her husband, "Help my mom!" He looked at me slightly puzzled and my daughter yelled, "Help her!" He calmly said to me, "stand up." I was only in three feet of water. We all had a good laugh.

The next story happened on a very hot summer day. I was walking along the canal alone with my sweet Saint Rosy. She was having fun jumping in and out of the water (I taught her how to swim when she was a young dog). I decided I wanted to cool off myself. So I jumped in too. After I had floated with the current for a few minutes and was nicely cooled off I decided it was time to get out. Oops! I had not thought about that. The sides of the canal were slick with mud. I just couldn't get myself out!

I was not in a panic this time. I knew I was safe. But I was on a rarely travels dirt road so I would have to rely on myself to get out. After some struggle I thought, "well, my dog can pull me out." She was big and strong and would be able to give me the help I needed to get up the side of the canal. Unfortunately she thought I was playing a game and she knocked me back in the canal. Finally I just pulled myself up the shore inch by inch. By the time I got out I was literally covered with thick mud from head to toe. I had a grand laugh about the situation and knew I would enjoy telling the story in the years to come. :)

I'm Grateful for Light

I love light! I love the light of the sun and the light of truth. I love the light of the spirit and the light of the scriptures. I believe there is the light of the sun and the light of the Son. The Son of god gives us truth which is also sometimes referred to as light.

I have a hard time in the winter when there is so little light. There are short days and days of overcast. One of the things I appreciate about the weather in Utah is that after a storm the sky clears and you can see the sun.

Helpful People

Just before leaving the office a couple of us realized it would be a co-worker's birthday tomorrow. We could not find the birthday box so we had to get creative.

We work at a paper crafting company so we made some decorations with some paper, we found a couple of smalls rolls of crepe paper and a few balloons. We hung a happy birthday banner. The outcome was a simple but cute office cubicle.

The point of this was we wanted our co-worker to know we were aware of her birthday and that we cared about her. We thought to ourselves, "How would it feel to know that everyone gets their cubicles decorated for their birthdays but somehow they didn't remember you?

We are just ordinary people doing ordinary things but I think they matter. I believe in edifying people in little ways. Most of us don't have the money, skills or influence to affect thousands of people but if we each lift someone else everyday I believe it has far reaching outcomes. I'm grateful to be working with real people that really care about one another.

I'm Grateful for Water!

This weekend I visited my daughter and her husband at their home. They live in a beautiful place with expansive lawns and a creek on the edge of the country. Deer come down from the hills in the evening.

My dog loves to run on their place. I took him for a walk and was taken by the creek. The water was frozen on the rocks but the water still ran. It made me realize how many forms water can take. There was snow, ice and crystals. It was lovely and I had to watch it for some time.

I've always loved water. I love to watch the ocean wash onto the shore, to see water rush on the river and the quiet and solitude of a mountain lake.

I also love to play in the water. Swimming has always been a joy. I used to tube on creeks with my kids. I like kiyaking and rowing a canoe. I love riding the waves of the ocean with their up and down swells. I find water to be very soothing. I guess being born a Pisces was appropriate. :)

It's Time for a Little Gratitude

As you may be able to tell from my last few posts I've got a serious case of the winter blues. Therefore I've decided it's time for a little gratitude. My next few blogs will be about things I'm grateful for. Today I'm going to start with a list:

* I'm grateful for Jesus Christ my Savior and Redeemer

* I'm grateful for my family, particularly for my wonderful children and grandchildren

* I'm grateful for the animals, particularly birds, and dogs of all shapes and sizes. I believe animals teach us, heal us and love us unconditionally.

* I'm grateful for the earth and the creations upon it particularly trees, grass and the ocean.

* I'm grateful for humanity. I feel the media focuses on the negative, disturbing and evil in the world. It does exist. But in equal measure is the good. I believe most people want to do the right thing and given the opportunity can show incredible courage, empathy and the ability to lift one another.

* I'm grateful for honest work, both the opportunity to work and the ability to appreciate the work of others.

* I'm grateful for art and music. These can touch my soul when I am hard hearted, hurt or empty.

* I'm grateful for Truth and Light. Without these my soul withers.

* I'm grateful for Life. Even though it has been terribly difficult at times I've learned and grown so much.

Pride and Discouragement

My daughter wrote this talk and delivered it in her church.

We were asked to base our remarks on Elder Uchtdorf's, October (2011) General Conference talk titled: You Matter to Him. Elder Uchtdorf states in his talk that :"The great deceiver knows that one of his most effective tools in leading the children of God astray is to appeal to the extremes of the paradox of man.” The extremes he’s speaking of are pride and discouragement.
Pride [Beware of Pride - President Ezra Taft Benson] - "...The central feature of pride is enmity—... or a state of opposition... The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures…. The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. ...Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.”

Discouragement[Elder Uchtfdorf] - "Another way Satan deceives is through discouragement. He attempts to focus our sight on our own insignificance until we begin to doubt that we have much worth. He tells us that we are too small for anyone to take notice, that we are forgotten—especially by God." SymptomsSometimes when we hear the same concepts over and over it’s difficult to personalize them or know how to integrate them into our lives, so I would like to propose a few considerations in an attempt to personalize the topic.

When you are struggling with pride or suffering from discouragement, it is not easy to immediately change, in fact it may feel impossible. Personally, I believe these two behaviors are symptomatic of deeper issues, and it’s easier to change our behavior when we trace it to its origin. It’s kind of like having an infection and one of the symptoms is a cough. While you still need to address the cough, you also need to treat the underlying infection to truly heal.
Pride is a symptom. It comes from a fear of being wrong or of being less than someone else. We use pride to establish a false sense of worth. We cling to this false self worth because in our core we actually feel less than those around us.

Discouragement is also a symptom. It comes from the pain and fear of not knowing if we have done enough, or, more aptly, not knowing that we are enough.
So, to simplify, the two behaviors are really coping behaviors for when we feel inadequate. We all have participated in both - though we usually gravitate toward one or the other extreme. But why? Why is everyone struggling with deep feelings of inadequacy? What is the underlying cause of infection, so to speak?

I believe the answer is at least three-fold:
Initially, because we came to earth with a veil across our minds, we wrongly believed the things we experienced here accurately reflected who we were. So, if the world told us that we were not enough, or we weren’t doing it right, we believed it.

Additionally, because we believed these messages, we adapted by developing coping behaviors, such as pride or discouragement. What else were we going to do?

Lastly, and the most importantly, we felt separated from God. I don’t think our minds can comprehend the immense pain it must have caused us to leave the safe, loving and light-filled existence in the presence of our Heavenly Parents. Further, our understanding was limited (because of the veil over our minds), and over the years of separation, we have been buffeted by the whisperings of the adversary who tells us that God doesn’t really love us. To some degree, we believed this.

From here we fully employ our extremes of nature, or our coping behaviors, and begin to increase our separateness from God through our false beliefs and sin.

So, what to do? In order to heal these two vices of character, we need to first repent, and second come unto Him to be healed. Repentance requires honesty with ourselves and with God.
RepentanceIn order to more effectively repent we need to acknowledge that our behavior is based on a deeper motive and a deeper pain. Seek to understand the reason you are in pride or discouragement – such as anger, doubt, or fear - and offer that reason as a sacrifice to God, as well as your symptomatic behavior. If you don’t know, pray and seek to understand.
Ether 12:27 - And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

In a 1991 General Conference talk by Neal A. Maxwell, he describes the nature of repentance thusly:
"Repentance requires both turning away from evil and turning to God. … In this rigorous process, so much clearly depends upon meekness. Pride keeps repentance from even starting or continuing… Or we may be too filled with self-pity, that sludge in which sin sprouts so easily, or too invested in self-reinforcing behavior to turn away from it. … There can be no repentance without recognition of wrong. … The first rays of recognition help us begin to see “things as they really are” including distinguishing between the motes and beams… Recognition is a sacred moment… “

Attempting to honestly analyze our own motives can be a difficult process at first. But with honesty, humility and active repentance, God will help us become better at it. The reward for such an undertaking is that we will come to know the God who is refining us. We could learn from the father of King Lamoni:
Alma 22:18 - … if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee, … that I may be raised from the dead, and be saved at the last day. If you struggle with self honesty, honesty with God, or even the desire to turn away from sin and coping behaviors, pray for increased faith in His love and His plan.

Neal A. Maxwell further counsels:
"True repentance also includes confession. …One with a broken heart will not hold back. As confession lets the sickening sin empty out, then the Spirit which withdrew returns to renew. …Support from others is especially crucial now. Hence, we are directed to be part of a caring community in which we all “lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.” (D&C 81:5.) Did not the citizens of the unequaled City of Enoch so improve together “in process of time?” (Moses 7:21; Moses 7:68–69.)… All sins are to be confessed to the Lord, some to a Church official, some to others, and some to all of these."

Why is it so important to confess our sins? I believe it is because Satan works best in the darkness of secrecy. He desires to keep your struggles hidden from the light of day. He has more power over you this way – to influence and deceive you. Confession also keeps us humble.
I want to advocate for sincere confession for just a moment. While serious sins should be resolved with the Bishop, other lesser sins (such as pride) could be abdicated if we were brave enough to confess them to someone we trust. This helps to release Satan’s hold on your secret struggling(s). It is the deceptively small things that build bigger blocks for us to stumble over. It is the small things we consistently do - contrary to Christ's teachings - that become patterns and prove problematic to remove on our own.

We seem to have a stigma associated with confession. For the prideful, confession is difficult because we are afraid to be seen as weak, wrong, or less than. We fear that acknowledgment will somehow take away from our already precarious self-worth, or that verbalizing the problem will somehow make it more real. Conversely, the discouraged may use confession as a form of emotional manipulation – seeking to elicit an emotional reaction from the person being told. Doing this denies responsibility and ownership of the problem. It is based on the desire to have others solve our problems, or at least share in them. We do this because it feels too large or overwhelming to carry on our own.

There is however a healthier and largely unexplored middle ground for confession. We can be honest with our struggles and be self-contained in the sharing of them. (Note: Self-contained is not the same thing as un-emotional. Emotions are a gift from God.) Can you imagine the freedom of being honest about your struggles without fear of judgment?

A word of caution though – seek confidants carefully. You neither want to confess to people who in their misguided love for you, or in their love for discord, seek to justify and enable your behavior (i.e. “you’re right in acting thus, and they are all wrong…”); nor do you want to confess to people who struggle with self-righteousness. These two approaches will only compound your problem and keep you stuck exactly where you were. Seek people who genuinely love you, can maintain a sacred trust for your vulnerability, and who can support your desire to improve; people who let you speak and trust in your ability to provide most of your own solutions. If you don’t feel you have anyone, a well run support group is an excellent resource for this.

In the same talk referenced above, Neal A. Maxwell states: "Genuine support and love from others—not isolation—are needed to sustain this painful forsaking and turning!"

Come unto Him and be HealedThe final step in the repentance process is to forgive ourselves. If we’ve been honest about our motives this will be a bit easier. However, it often proves to be the hardest step. If it’s a struggle for you to forgive and love yourself, you usually cannot ‘will’ yourself to be different. Whether your paradox is in pride or discouragement the challenge is in believing the fullness of God’s love for you. Fortunately, there is no need to attempt this alone. Let the Master teach you how to love and forgive as he knows how to do both perfectly. Come unto Him, holding nothing back.

We must not give up, but, instead, reach out to God’s awaiting arms of mercy, which are outstretched “all the day long.” Please remember that it is us who separates ourselves from God. When some disciples left him, Jesus asked the Twelve, “Will ye also go away?” Peter answered: “Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life.” (John 6:67–68.)
Don’t allow your weaknesses or fears to alienate you from the Being who loves you the very most. James 4:10 reads: “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord and he shall lift you up.” Remember that you are not humbling yourself before an enemy, but instead a being of infinite love, and you matter to Him!

In closing I’d like to end with a quote from a S. Michael Wilcox talk on the Beatitudes:
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.” (Rev. 21:4.) Jesus said, “I am … the beginning and the ending.” (Rev. 1:8.) He is the end of sorrow and the end of guilt. He is the end of pain, death, suffering, sin, and tears. He is the beginning of joy, life, and peace. He is the beginning of healing, truth, and fulfillment. He is the end of mourning, the beginning of comfort."
The only source of true happiness in this life or the next comes from laying down our fears about God and seeking to understand Him better. You will only know your own value through direct revelation from heaven. I testify that if you “incline your hearts” to Him, as Elder Uchtdorf invites, He will comfort and teach you the worth of your soul.

Suffering, what's the point?

To carry on from my last post. I was able to speak with my daughter about my thought i.e. I hate when living creatures suffer and I hate to see living creatures suffer. Especially people and animals I love.

I told my daughter that I felt selfish for this meaning that it felt like I was worried about my discomfort in the face of others suffereing. She said it's because I haven't dealt with my own suffering. I've had some suffering in my life. I know so many people that have had harder lives and I know many that have had easier lives.

Don't get me wrong. I also have been blessed beyond measure and most often live with a grateful heart. Everyone has problems that sometimes seem impossible to bear. But I have to admit this past time has been more than I thought I could bear.

So, how do we deal with our suffering? My daughter and I believe there was a life before this and there will be a life after. She reminded me that I knew and perhaps even chose the life I'm leading now. That may sound strange but we believe life is about learning, experiencing and growing. She said maybe you need to think about what you are learning from this suffering.

I pondered this a walk in the hills with my dog. It was a beautiful day with snow on the ground and an icy creek passing by. I talk to God, my Heavenly Father, as a real being. I asked him, "What am I supposed to learn from this insight you have shown me about myself. I know you don't want me to feel shame." Then it came to me, my suffering has given me empathy, tolerance, experience and increased love for my fellow man.

But I want to be done with it now, I thought. Once again I had another impression. I am better than most at looking at my weaknesses with open eyes and honesty. That has made me a little intolerant of those that refuse to take responsibility for their own behavior. By trying to avoid pain and suffering my entire life I realized something. This self revelation has been almost unbearable to me. For others their lack of personal truth may be because it is this painful for them to face their faults and shortcomings.

In The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie the January 7 reading states, "Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face. We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these feelings appear. And these feelings my trigger memories of other, similar times when we felt powerless." How true that is. We all have emotional baggage. Later in this same entry she states, "Emotional pain does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves, and then go on with life."

Perhaps this last couple of years has not been filled with more suffering than before but rather I've allowed myself to feel things more than before. It's been cleansing. So, once again I choose to learn, to allow myself to make mistakes and to go on with life.

Self Reflection

This last year or two has been about getting real. I've always been a realist that leans towards optimism. I feel you can't solve problems if you don't face them with honesty. Truth is something I search for and try to speak. But this last year I've seen some personal issues I was in denial about.

With two failed marriages I realized some time ago I was disfunctional in marriage relationships. My therapist told me I needed to stay away from men because my picker was broken. So true. But I've been working on other relationships with my dad, my wonderful children and my friends. There are so many nurturing relationships to be had. There are so many good people in this world. In every story of tragedy there is a story of courage, selflessness or heroism.

So, being real doesn't mean being negative. But sometimes it can be painful. In the last few days I've been pondering something about myself I don't like. I believe God shows us things when are ready to face them. Also, if we are unwilling to face or change something I believe it comes around again.

As you may have read in a previous blog my sweet Saint Bernard Rosy died a little over a year ago. in 1983 my baby Jeremy died from a heart defect when he was 4 days old. Now my needy and rather dysfunctional Gold Retriever George has been facing some serious health problems. What do these things all have in common? I hate to see living creatures suffer.

Here is where the pain comes in. I don't like to see creatures suffer for two reasons. 1. I don't want them to hurt. I've suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually in my life. So reason number one is empathy. I know how it feels, I don't want to see you suffer as I have. 2. I don't want to have to see you suffer. I don't want to deal with it. It's too painful for me. That feels so selfish.

When my son died I didn't want to wait at the hospital during his surgery. I planned to be there near the end. Should I have spent more time with him? I didn't want to watch him struggling for breath. When the surgeons asked if they should attempt surgery that had a low success rate that he would die without I asked, "will he have a life of suffering?" I chose the surgery when they reassured me the surgeries and recovery would be painful but he would also have happiness between times.

When I had Rosy put to sleep as she slipped out of my arms to the floor I howled no because the reality of losing her was suddenly so real. But also I worried that I had let her go too soon. Yes, I didn't want her to suffer. I didn't want her to be alone with her pain while I had to be at work. I didn't want her to struggle to walk or breath. But there was again that question, am I letting her go to soon so I don't have to FEEL.

This issue has come up in the last few days as I have struggled to know what to do with George. I've pondered. Does he want to live longer even though it will mean some pain and suffering? Part of the reason I struggle with this is because I've had a glimpse of the other side. I know how good the next life is. I want my loved ones to be there for their happiness and comfort. Yet, didn't we come here on earth for a reason. Should I not allow those I care about to stay here at long as they need to be even if it means discomfort for them and for me?

I don't have the answer yet.