Rebelling Against God

I am angry. Once again I've tried to take control of my life and hit failure again. Here is an e-mail I sent to a co-worker today that explains part of it:

"This should probably happen face-to-face but I’m sure I would just sob and I’m not strong enough right now to face that.


The other day you pointed out that I was taking the elevator just one floor down. There was condescension in your look. I should have stood up for myself then but I didn’t. I’m going to do it now.

A couple of months ago I determined that I was going to walk every day. I was going to walk up hills. I was going to walk to enjoy nature and to lose weight. I rediscovered that being outside and moving my body gives me peace and joy. I was walking farther every day and feeling great about myself.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I developed a physical problem that means I can’t do that for at least several months. I’m really mad about that. I have to talk myself into coming to work every day. I have to talk myself into staying at work every day. I cry every day. I’m in pain all the time.

Don’t judge me. You don’t know what any person is carrying. I’m happy that you have lost weight, that you are fit and happy. Frankly I’m jealous. But I have my own path. Hopefully I can find the hope that there’s a reason for this because at the moment I just don’t see it."

Yes, that's right. I just don't see it.

I was putting on my shoes the other morning. I had been in terrible pain for two days. As I reached to put on a shoe pain shot through me. "F___," I said. I felt my mother leaning over my shoulder saying, "Dear, we don't say that word." I screamed "F___,F___, F___!" I sobbed and then I danced. I danced to the music in the muksical Across the Universe. A movie telling the story of life in the late 60's using Beatles music. I am a great dancer and I danced. I cried. I ranted. I danced.

Why can't I catch a break I told my son. I want to give up. I want to quit trying. Yet, here is a quote I found that seems to be all I can do right now:

"Hope begins in the dark; the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." - Anne Lamott

My flaw seems to be in trying to control my life. Is the answer surrender? Is the answer to cry until there are no more tears?

I just checked out the book Women, Food and God. Wow! She is talking about eating or other obsession being used to avoid pain. To overcome that desire to bolt. Oh yes, I want to bolt. I keep being told to face the pain. To go through it. Must I cry for weeks? I've been running away for years. Now at every turn I feel more pain. Emotional or physical. It moves from one place to another, it is always grows, I can't make it go away. It is demanding my attention.