Pain

I am in emotional and/or physical pain most of the time. I've been through a great deal in my life. I know everyone carries baggage so I'm not playing the poor me card. I try not to be a victim. Having said that I believe we have to face our painful experiences to get through to the other side.

I've been through two divorces, lost my home three times, been through bankruptcy twice, lived through the death of my four-day-old son. I've been hopitalized several times for breathing problems. I've lived in five states and I've moved dozens of times.
I've lived through a great deal of manipulation and emotional abuse. I've lived through incredible loss. This last two years has particularly left me feeling battered and broken.

All of this has taken a toll on my mind and body. My mother coped with food. She became obese and ended up sitting in a chair 10 years before she died and giving up. At least that's how it seemed to some of her children. I avoided that problem for the most part until my last marriage. I was so miserably unhappy that I started to eat and eat and eat. I gained 100 pounds and I've not been able to lose it. Yet I've still refused to sit in that chair.

In the past I've been stoic and most often faithful. The words, "Endure to the End" My daughter, who works with people on emotionally healing, gave me some thoughts that have given me pause. She said that while our minds can escape to other places our bodies must be present. They feel and store everything. I'm in the processing of working through "my stuff."

I'm working with prayer and scriptures. My daughter just added that I need to write. I am doing some of that with blogging and journaling. However, my daughter has encouraged me to Free Write. This means to get a private notebook and write whatever comes to mind. That includes "inappropriate" words, emotions, judgement, etc. By getting out the pain and with the help of God I hope to be able to heal and ultimately be able to stop stuffing (eating) my feelings.