Self Reflection

This last year or two has been about getting real. I've always been a realist that leans towards optimism. I feel you can't solve problems if you don't face them with honesty. Truth is something I search for and try to speak. But this last year I've seen some personal issues I was in denial about.

With two failed marriages I realized some time ago I was disfunctional in marriage relationships. My therapist told me I needed to stay away from men because my picker was broken. So true. But I've been working on other relationships with my dad, my wonderful children and my friends. There are so many nurturing relationships to be had. There are so many good people in this world. In every story of tragedy there is a story of courage, selflessness or heroism.

So, being real doesn't mean being negative. But sometimes it can be painful. In the last few days I've been pondering something about myself I don't like. I believe God shows us things when are ready to face them. Also, if we are unwilling to face or change something I believe it comes around again.

As you may have read in a previous blog my sweet Saint Bernard Rosy died a little over a year ago. in 1983 my baby Jeremy died from a heart defect when he was 4 days old. Now my needy and rather dysfunctional Gold Retriever George has been facing some serious health problems. What do these things all have in common? I hate to see living creatures suffer.

Here is where the pain comes in. I don't like to see creatures suffer for two reasons. 1. I don't want them to hurt. I've suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually in my life. So reason number one is empathy. I know how it feels, I don't want to see you suffer as I have. 2. I don't want to have to see you suffer. I don't want to deal with it. It's too painful for me. That feels so selfish.

When my son died I didn't want to wait at the hospital during his surgery. I planned to be there near the end. Should I have spent more time with him? I didn't want to watch him struggling for breath. When the surgeons asked if they should attempt surgery that had a low success rate that he would die without I asked, "will he have a life of suffering?" I chose the surgery when they reassured me the surgeries and recovery would be painful but he would also have happiness between times.

When I had Rosy put to sleep as she slipped out of my arms to the floor I howled no because the reality of losing her was suddenly so real. But also I worried that I had let her go too soon. Yes, I didn't want her to suffer. I didn't want her to be alone with her pain while I had to be at work. I didn't want her to struggle to walk or breath. But there was again that question, am I letting her go to soon so I don't have to FEEL.

This issue has come up in the last few days as I have struggled to know what to do with George. I've pondered. Does he want to live longer even though it will mean some pain and suffering? Part of the reason I struggle with this is because I've had a glimpse of the other side. I know how good the next life is. I want my loved ones to be there for their happiness and comfort. Yet, didn't we come here on earth for a reason. Should I not allow those I care about to stay here at long as they need to be even if it means discomfort for them and for me?

I don't have the answer yet.