It's A Dog's Life

I filed for divorce Wednesday. I separated from my husband a year ago. I won't say anything bad about him for several reasons. Mostly because I feel we all have stuff, especially me! Suffice it to say our values and goals are going in totally separate directions. I've spent the last year letting go of other's expectations, of learning about myself and healing. I still have a long way to go but I feel I'm on the right track and I see God's hand in my life on a regular basis.

So, why is this post titled It's a Dog's Life? I have always found unconditional love from dogs. They ground me and keep me in the moment. They get me outside where God's creations fill my soul. For the last few years I've worked with a dog rescue group posting dogs on our Websites, helping at the twice yearly Super Adoptions and transporting dogs. Transporting has been a pleasant surprise. I've been blessed with the company of a dog on some big occasions.

October 2008 I got a call that my mother was in the hospital. Dad assured me things were OK but I knew in my heart this was the end. I jumped in my car for the 12 hour drive across Nevada to California. Through a strange string of circumstances I ended up bringing a Queensland Heeler across two states to a new owner that would pick her up at my brother's house. One brother encouraged me to fly but I knew I needed the drive to come to terms with my feelings. When I arrived at my brothers he informed me that my mother was indeed in a bad way. That night I lay on the floor with this dog in my arms and sobbed out my grief. My mother died 3 days later.

I've learned to let grief out. When someone is grieving allow them to express it. With the best of intentions most people try to take their mind off the loss, the pain or they tell them how lucky they are. When my 4 day old son Jeremy died people said, you are lucky he didn't live long enough for you to get attached to him, you are lucky because you can have more children, you are lucky it wasn't your husband. I didn't feel lucky but I kept on a good, stoic front for a year. Then I fell apart.

The next big event with a dog transport was with the largest black lab "puppy" I've ever seen. We decided he must be crossed with a Newfoundland. He accompanied me while moving my youngest child to live in Montana. This son was my gift from God after the loss of my baby. He's been a great joy. He was 18 and ready for college and to be on his own. It was time for him to move on but it was hard to let him go. The massive puppy kept me company that night in the motel and rode back to Utah with me. He was a crazy, excited, nippy companion. I laughed and I cried. I processed my feelings.

The day I made the decision to leave my husband I was transporting a black lab mix from Utah county to Ephraim. As I drove through the green hills and valleys the thought came into my mind, "What makes you think anything is going to change? You have been trying for 11 years. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." I knew it was time to move on.

After filing for divorce last week I was anxious and agitated. I couldn't seem to calm down. Friday night they needed to transport a Red Tick Hound from Salt Lake City to Ephraim. Once again as I drove to Ephraim I was reminded of why I made the decision to leave my marriage. I felt centered and knew it was not right to go backward, it was time to move on again.

I've been living with my daughter and her husband for the past year. They have been so good to me but I need to make my own place. I had put off leaving partly because of my beloved Saint Bernard Abby Rose. I've raised her from a puppy and she is MY dog. I say that because she is attached to me. Most dogs are happy for anyone that gives them attention and will give them love. Abby loves me! It's good for my self esteem. This weekend a friend called and offered me her basement apartment and she said I could bring my dog. I'm beginning to be a believer in the fact that if you dream, really envision something you somehow bring it to you. You have to stay open, have faith and let go of control. Then you can truly see miracles.